Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Hmm
According to Google, if your seaching for "schoolhouse cock", my blog is their number one choice.It feels great to be number one, but I have to thank all the people that through hard work and sheer pervertedness made this a dream come true. Without the twisted comments of my fellow freaks and weirdos, none of the would be possible.
greasemonkey1320 at 7:36 AM
Stop Me If You Heard This One
I've had this joke stuck in my head all day at work.Q: What has seven arms and sucks?
A: This.
greasemonkey1320 at 4:11 AM
Friday, November 25, 2005
Happy Holidays
Four days off work and the first two are fucking freezing. At least I didn't have to deal with my mom and my sister arguing over Thanksgiving dinner. That's always the annoying part about the holidays. Crabby relatives, turkey with a little rot gut surprise, families that expect you to be in two places at once, and the ever so enjoyable X-mas shopper traffic. I've always been annoyed with the whole "You gotta come to our dinner " schitck. Ooh, you can't forget about the impending guilt trip that they will try to lay on when you don't show. What the hell is that about? It's like a battle to see who can give their family food poisoning first.The sport of...gastro-intestinal carnage.
Little Jimmy is heading for the deviled eggs. You know Bob,those eggs were painstaking made yesterday, then left in the car window for the two hour drive! Oh wait, grandpa is losing the belt. Looks like he's heading for the bathroom...but wait, what's this?! Little Janie cuts gramps off at the corner with a bad case of pink turkey diarrhea. An amazing turn of events, I never saw that coming. Let's hope the wallpaper survives this battle. Uncle Fred is on his third piece of strawberry cheesecake with an relish tray olive chaser and he seems to be getting a little green around the gills. Will he beat little Jimmy to the porcelain god? Stay tuned for the latest coverage.
Let's not forget all those day after Thanksgiving shoppers. Awake by three in the morning, at the stores by four. Waiting for the doors that open at five. It's an invasion of cheap people. A feeding frenzy of K-mart shoppers. Seriously, how sick is that? Is it really that important to save five dollars on that ugly ass men's cable knit sweater? In lavender? Is there some kind of joy derived from being packed like sardines in a store with people still spewing flatulence from yesterdays feast? Cart to cart gridlock. The inability to look at something on a low shelf without getting an ass stuck in your face. People fighting over an avacodo green hand mixer. Getting cut off in the parking lot as six cars race for the same parking space. It's important to save 30% when you have to pay to fix a $400 dent from a runaway shopping cart.
You can keep your two hour drives to bumblefuck, the mile long walks across freezing parking lots, and all those lame ass sales. I'll stay at home where puppies warm your feet, the fondue is delicious, and the boobs are plentiful.
greasemonkey1320 at 1:57 PM
Monday, November 21, 2005
Anyone Seen My Shrink Ray?
Winter is coming, so it's time to get the garage cleaned up. Time to get all the summertime gear stored away. It's amazing the amounts out shit I can amass over the summer. Now all I have to do is find some place to put it all. Today I cleared a bunch of shit out of the rafters. Who ever lived here before us decided it would be a good idea to cram a dozen sixteen foot long pieces of wood siding up on the cross members. Not a real good idea. You can put some stuff up there but not a lot of heavy shit. The guy must have had around 300 pounds of lumber stuffed up there.Getting rid of some of the wood gave me a chance to fire up my stove and check it out and make sure nothing weird happened over the summer. Like nesting birds. I caught one trying to nest in the top of the chimney late last spring. Not a good thing. Unless you like your sparrow eggs soft boiled. The paint on the stove hasn't really cured all the way, so it gives off a funky smell the first couple times I burn in it. I should be able to take care of that this winter though. I like to keep it warm in there, cause you never know when there will be the need for some emergency "garage hiney".
This is the first place that I've lived with a functional garage. A place where you can actually drive a car into it. My parents garage is always packed to gills with shit that they will never use and about fifty boxes of crushed soda cans is F-shaped trial that you have to walk in, which is annoying. Maybe some day I'll get my other truck out of there. I think some day is still quite a ways off.
The task of cleaning the garage is always a pain in the ass. First you have to move most of the shit out of the way. Toss all the crap you don't need figure out how your going to get all that shit back in there worst is when you get it all out and look in and see all this extra room, and then you turn around to see that your driveway is overflowing into the yard.
I think the biggest problem I have is all the large items I have. Stuff like five 33" mud tires, an engine hoist, a 3,000 pond pneumatic lift, an engine analyzer, an air compressor, a 12 ton shop press, 6' tall roll away tool chest, a lawnmower, a snow blower, and a 4' long workbench. Add to this one car and all the odds and ends on the shelves and that pretty much fills the two car garage. There is also the fact that I have to keep all of this at least 3 or 4 feet from the stove.
The tires I don't really need anymore, but I have yet to get rid of them. The little voice in my head keeps telling me that the rims cool and the tires still have some miles in them. The engine hoist...with the vehicles I drive you just never know when you will need that. That's another thing I forgot about. I have three more engines and two transmissions at other peoples garages. I think I need to come up with some storage solutions, buy a shed next summer, or have less shit to store. Yeah, something tells me that the latter will never happen. I'm like a squirrel hoarding away supplies for future use. Just if I could only remember where I put things next spring.
greasemonkey1320 at 4:11 AM
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Stick Pictures on the Shithouse Wall
I find public restrooms to be less than pleasant in general. Particularly restrooms that are used predominantly by men. I don't know if it's the piss on the floor or the lingering aroma of cabbage farts. Now I have found something else that continues the annoyance. Graffiti. Now it's not the fact that someone is drawing on the wall that bugs me, it's the content, or the lack there of. I remember when you could go into a restroom and read all sorts of limericks about a guy from Nantucket, odes to farting, and the names of who's givin' out a good time. But it appears that those days are over.The most recent crapper ranting that I have seen leave much to be desired. For instance take this little gem. "They cover these walls to stop me from peeing but the shit house junkie done struck again." riveting, just riveting. Seriously, what is the point of that? The shit house junkie isn't going to let anyone stop him from pissing? Ooh, what a rebel. It's like they forgot a section, peeing -blank-blank-blank-but the... maybe they had a brain fart. Shit out their train of thought.
Here is one that I have seen repeated in different locations. "If you are reading this, your ass must be taking a shit." Really. That's just brilliant. Must be the keen observations of a true genius. Thanks for the memo. I was wondering why I was sitting on the toilet. Dumbass.
Even the artwork is lacking. The other day I saw an apparent conversation between two people. They were commenting about giving each others mother crabs. They even drew some little things that I guess were supposed to be crabs. Maybe if they were drawn by a two year old. The doodling looked like they had a near total lack of motor skills. Some sort of palsy fit maybe.
So much for learning any new rhymes I guess. It's bad when people have gotten so lazy and brain dead that they can't even come up with a bit of quality humor while dropping the kids of at the pool. It's a sad state of affairs I tell you. Just plain sad. Come on peolpe, how about a dirty hieroglyphic or two.
greasemonkey1320 at 3:22 AM
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Tit Bit Nipply
This is the proper way to enjoy the first day of below freezing weather.1. Make sure it is at least 15 degrees outside
2. Put on a hooded sweat shirt and a heavy coat
3. Go outside after it's dark
4. Spend two hours repairing linkage on you truck.
5. Attempt to crawl out from said truck while your shirt comes untucked from your pants, and exposes your bare ass and back to the freezing ground.
6. For the finishing touch make sure to get a big glob of grease smudged across your face.
Man, winter sucks already.
greasemonkey1320 at 5:29 AM
Sunday, November 13, 2005
MTV Get Off the Air
While at work I have the option of listening to several local stations that broadcast more mainstream fodder and witless banter than I want to hear in a day. Brain numbing bullshit. The pop station is just annoying to no end. The 'rock' station has gone all emo/sissy, wanna be tough guy, but soft and sensitive.The soul station could put a meth-head to sleep. No one in the shop will listen to any radio talk shows for fear that it will make them think. So this leaves us with the classic rock station. Yeah, Don Henley, Sammy Hagar, and constant repeating loop of hair bands. Great, I can hardly contain my enthusiasm. They do however have a couple hours per night of "total listener requests". So, I call to make a request. A simple request. Motorhead, Ace of Spades. What could be hard about that. But much to my dismay I was denied. I said " You don't have Motorhead?". The deejay replied with "Yeah, we can't play that on the air." Now this is bullshit becuase I've heard other stations inthe area. A couple minutes later my boss calls in and requests Dokken. Sure thing, they got Dokken. Oh yeah, they will play that crap. To make it more irritating, they play it like three songs later. Assholes.greasemonkey1320 at 2:17 PM
Man Tool
As requested by Bucky Four Eyes, here is the story behind the bucket of "head shrinking sand".I have a decent collection of tools. Nothing too extravagant, but not bare bones by any means. I am very serious when it comes to my tools. I like to keep them clean and organized in their proper drawers. Nothing sucks more than when you can't find a tool you need. Now the downfall of owning lots of tools and enjoying working on cars is people find out about it. This always leads to the same questions."Can I borrow your tools?" and "Maybe you could work on my car sometime." Well there is a simple answer for both of these situations. Hell no! First off, the fact that someone bought a piece of shit car, without the ability to fix it, is not my problem. Second, it's always the same story when people borrow your stuff. Either they break it or they lose it. Last time I checked, Sears doesn't replace lost tools. So, it seems to me that the individual who lost the tool must not have any brains. So why not shrink their heads? It's not like they were using them anyway. No brain, no pain.
greasemonkey1320 at 3:34 AM
Monday, November 07, 2005
Soon to be Cootie Free
I am currently recovering from a nasty sinus infection/cold type thing that forced me to miss two days of work. I hate missing work. I find it very annoying, like how when I stand up too fast now, I just about fall over. Like I'm getting light headed, except it hurts. I think being sick fucked with my equilibrium. Fortunately Jessica Rabbit always takes good care of me. Even when I'm a sick, cranky jackass. For that I am grateful. She is the best, and she is right about not going to work when you have a fever. Or, can't talk without coughing, no matter how stubborn I am.I did, however, learn many things this weekend. For instance, you can have 150 channels and there still won't be shit on. I thought it was just because I work nights and miss all the good shit. Nope. Turns out it's pretty much just lame suck ass shows and reality t.v. all the time. I went to turn to Tales from the Crypt, and guess what? Fucking denied! It was actually some annoying celebrity, red carpet/post show interview with some brain damaged celeb spouting their two cents about shit that has no real importance. Another thing that is annoying is how some of the channels will air the same damn episode six times a day. There were a couple interesting shows on though. One was about different elements that explode when mixed with water. I think they were just trying to find an excuse to blow up bath tubs and caravans. Death Race 2000 was on, but the presence of Sylvester Stalone proved to be unbearable. I tried to watch that movie Kung Pow, I think I gave up after thirty seconds or so. I was going to watch Mars Attacks, then I realized that the only scenes I really wanted to see were the ones with Martians cooking people with death rays and squishing people with giant robots. You know, all the good parts. I was surprised by the lack of car/how to shows this weekend. Normally there will be one or two on, but once again, I was denied.
I have discovered that if you don't post in a while people start running amuck in your comments. Going on about grammar fetishes and leaving links to improvised butt plugs. Man, I tell ya, wander off and the perverts run rampant. I think it deserve a round of spankings. I have also found that I am now getting comment spam. These guys must be getting desperate if they are leaving this shit on my posts. You think they would want to stick to high traffic areas, and not link them self on sites made up or the ranting of a deranged hillbilly. Fuckin' tards.
I have also begun watching my neighbors lately. The old people don't bother me too much, so I don't pay too attention to them. It's dumb ass trailer park gang banger wanna be's that I despise. You gotta watch your shit around these morons. I've already caught a couple of them leaving beer bottles in my yard. Man, I hate cleaning up after these assholes. Imagine the horror if they some how dented my truck. They might just meet my bucket of head shrinking sand if they keep it up.
Damn, is it me or did it get all old and crochity in here all of a sudden. Ahh, fuck it, I gotta go find my rocking chair and some rock salt.
greasemonkey1320 at 3:23 AM