The One Armed Man Headquarters

Stress Relief

2009-11-09T19:29:00.003-06:00

After a shitty day at work, I have found that it relaxes me greatly to watch Dr. Strangelove. Man, I love a good movie with a happy ending, and seriously, how can you not love Slim Pickens.

Pass the Depends

2006-10-18T04:07:00.000-05:00

For the second time, in all too recent memory, I have seen a grown man shit himself in a public setting. Is this the start of some disturbing new trend? Is this what all the cool kids are doing? It's hip to crap your pants? Or has mankind just devolved to a new level of laziness?

Watch Yo Ass Baby!

2006-10-16T02:07:00.000-05:00

After checking the site meter for the ol' Headquarters, I was shocked to find that many individuals (23%) have come to my blog in search of pervy pics. Beer can in the ass pictures to be more specific. At first I was shocked and confused as to how this could be linked to my site. After a little searching, I found the culprit. It seems some deviant left a link to Buttsex World in a comment. Now what kind of pervert would do such a thing?

Eventually, I started to wonder who was looking for butt sex photos and where were they from. I was shocked by the results of my investigation. I assumed that most of them would be from the south, like Texas or Alabama. Well I was wrong. While there were several from the south, a couple from the midwest, and a few international ones, the majority were from the upper east coast. The New York and Massachusetts areas to be more specific. Apparently there are a lot of twisted ass freaks out that way.

The moral of this story? Watch your ass. Especially out east.

Where Did September Go?

2006-10-07T02:39:00.000-05:00

There have been some big changes in my life in the past month. Lots of stuff keeping me busy and short on time to do much here beyond speeding through a couple sights there running out the door. At the beginning of September I was promoted to supervisor. Talk about a change of pace. Now I have to put down my hammer and tape measure, but in their place I get to break out the iron fist. Works for me though. It's not like I'm friends with the guys I work with. I'm happy to have more control over what goes on in the world around me. I'm so tired of all the bullshit and I'm ready to put a stop to it. Things are changing and for the better finally.

Tomorrow morning we get our fireplace inspected. If all goes well we will probly have a nice fire going in the evening. It's a good thing I've been stock piling fire wood over the summer. It's going to be hard to keep the cats away for the mantle though. Well at least until one of them burns it's ass on the glass doors. As soon as that thing gets going, all the animals are gonna draw to it like moths to a light. Hmm, kind of like a big bug zapper, but for your pets. You know one of them is gonna try to sniff it. The cats will be double dog daring each other to stick their tongues to it.

It's finally October and all the stores are putting out the best home decor. Skull candle holders, gargoyle statues, cob webs, a few tombstones, you know the home decorating essentials. Actually, I have not seen to many decent looking skulls in the stores lately. Most of them are kind of craft store hokey looking pieces. Not very realistic. Not so sinister as much as they are cheesy, but they still want twenty bucks for them. J.R. found some neat looking shrunken head tiki torches though. Maybe this year I can put some bigger tombstones out front without the fear of puppies eating them. Last year Hermione ate the little wooden fence and destroyed the tombstones I had. I still find bits and pieces of them in the yard. It's like they have a secret stash of things they shouldn't be chewwing on. Periodically leaving a few bits behind just to remind me how naughty they are.

Whats Been Goin On

2006-08-26T06:04:00.000-05:00

Over the past couple weeks I've had a few interesting days and a few annoying ones. Days like when we helped my parents clean up their yard and parting with my '63 Ford. A long day of dealing with a natural gas leak. Fortunately to balance things out, I got to spend a nice Sunday afternoon driving around with J.R. on a little adventure. We even took the tards with us.

The thing with my parents was some annoying bullshit. You see, my parents at some point decided to start hoarding stuff. Not useful stuff like 40+ year old car parts either. Nope. Not my parents. They started stockpiling stuff that other people were getting rid of. Stuff from my grandparents farm house. Shit they will never use. But that's just the half of it.

In the mean time they let their yard go to shit. So someone called the county health department and the village's code enforcement. So a couple days later I get this frantic call from my mom at 10 am. She's all worked up about how their neighbor turned them in, how she's out to get them, and how I need to get my truck out of their garage. She's borderline hysterical at this point.

I had previously offered to remove my truck from their garage. They declined due to the giant stack of shit they had piled in, around, and on top of my truck. You couldn't even see my truck under all this shit. But now it's this huge issue and my truck in her mind is the source of the problem. Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure it's not the two unregistered cars (not mine mind you) in the driveway. Or the tree that was cut up in the middle of the driveway, or the waste high weeds along the garage. It's definitely not the swimming pool that the Creature from the Black Lagoon is using for a summer home. Nope. It must be my truck.

Anyway, long story short. I got my truck out of there. Unfortunately, at the point in time I had no place to store said truck, and only a short amount of time to deal with it. Having it parked in my yard was not an option as that would have put me well over there four car limit. So I did the dirty deed, and sent it to scrap yard. Considering that I had removed the entire drivetrain, the scrap yard didn't what to fess up any cash for the truck. Turns out they only give fifty bucks for a completely intact vehicle. That way they can part it out at twenty times what they paid for it. Sometimes I think I work in the wrong business.

A couple days later, a guy I know ruptured a gas line in his yard. He was putting in a new sidewalk and was laying out the forms for the cement. To hold it all in place he drove 3/8" rebar into the ground. About half way through he hit a 'rock'. He whacked the rebar again and all of a sudden that rock started hissing. The whole yard was quickly filled with the scent of rotten egg farts. I asked him if he had planned on hitting the gas main or if it was a spur of the moment decision. I don't think he saw the humor in that.

So, a few minutes later he got to call the gas company and tell them what happened. Funny, they didn't see the humor in it either. They came out and had it sealed the line in about an hour. They told him that they would finish replacing the line the next day. They also informed him that he would be receiving a fine for not calling JULIE. Somewhere in the neighborhood of one to five thousand dollars. For some reason I don't think he's gonna learn his lesson.

Last Sunday J.R. and I took a drive with the puppies. There was a church and an old car she wanted to show me. After that we were going to stop by a forest preserve and take the tards for a walk. We stopped to see the church first. It looks like an old frontier type church. Small, pleasant and easy on the eye. It actually looks kinda of small for the outside, but it holds between 100 and 130 people.

I'm not a religious person (most people consider me to be a heathen which is fine by me) and I'm definitely not a Christian by any means, but I still find the design of some churches interesting. Centuries old gothic churches, not the cookie cutter Christian learning center that just popped up with it's own mall attached to it. You know the one. It's right down the street from the beige people, living in their beige house in their beige neighborhood. Filled to the brim with all those born again hypocrites.

Sorry about that, started getting a little side tracked there. So after that we took the puppies for their much anticipated walk. I started walking Hermione, but after a few minutes I had to switch puppies and take Moo. Moo likes to tug and pull which is hard on J.R.'s arm. There is no doubt in my mind the that puppy will be able to pull an entire car some day. She's so small still but she pulls with the force of a tank. We took the down by the river so they could check it out. Ninny actually went into the water up to her knees. Moo on the other hand, wasn't having it. Maybe the river smelled to nasty for her tastes. She does seem to eat less cat poop than Ninny does.

On our return trip to drop off the tards at home we stopped to check out the car the J.R. saw. At first passing I didn't think to much of it, but upon closer inspection I became more interested. Unfortunately, there was a German Shepard running loose on the property, and with the tards in the car, I didn't feel like getting out to ask questions. After a little research, it was confirmed that it was indeed a Chevy. A 1954 Chevy to be more precise. Which model, I am not sure of. It is either A one-fifty, a two-ten, or possibly a Bel Air. They are all basically the same car just different trim options. At an asking price of $1800, it's right in my price range. The big questions are what's wrong with it and what's it missing. I plan on making a return trip next weekend to get some answers for the current owner. Hmm, I wonder if he's interested in a trade?

Ayyy!

2006-08-13T00:38:00.000-05:00

Back in June I placed an order for pomade. I had previously ordered from this company with no problems. This time around it wasn't so. A month after I sent in my order, I still had not received my pomade. I sent repeated emails to the seller and got no response. I figured it to be a lost cause at this point, but I still needed pomade. So I place an order with a different company. They even had the brand that I use on sale. Could it get any better? They say it should arrive in two to three days. Perfect.

Fast forward three days. I go to the mailbox and sure as shit, there is my package. I pull it out, only to discover another box behind it. At first I thought it strange that they would send my order in two boxes. I didn't think I bought that much pomade. Then I notice that there are two different mailing labels on the boxes. The other box was from the company I ordered from back in June. I take both boxes inside and open them up. Between the two orders I now have a small stockpile of hair grease. Last time around the three cans that I ordered lasted for about a year. Something tells me I won't need to order again until 2010. Man, I hope they don't quit making it by then. Maybe I'll have to order some more in a few months. You know, just in case.

As an added bonus, I also got this neat switchblade comb. After showing it to J.R. she proclaimed that I was now Fonzie. Funny, I don't remember my office being in the mens room. But it may explain why I like the scent of new urinal cakes.

Droppin' Like Flies

2006-08-02T04:27:00.000-05:00

For the past couple of days, it has been 100+ degrees here. Toss in 85% humidity and you have the fixin's for one hell of a warm day. Everywhere I turn I hear about people getting sick from the heat or bailing out of their shift. People are acting like its never been warm before. Every day I go to work and wear the same thing each day. Heavy jeans, work boots, an A-shirt, a T-shirt, then finally my long sleeve work shirt, with the sleeves rolled down.

12 hours a day and I'm fine. 110 degrees in the shop. No air conditioning. I find it very amusing that people keep asking me how I work with a long sleeve shirt and jeans. Even with having three shirts on, I never sweat to the point that it starts to soak my shirts. The extra shirts actually seem to have a nice cooling effect. Some of the people I see are sweating buckets just walking around. Just the thought of physical labor would probly make them pass out.

Maybe it's just me, but I think this new generation coming into the workforce, is just totally fucked. It's like they have a contest going to see who can do the least amount of work. What ever happened to all the people that went to work every day, stayed for their whole shift, got shit done and actually took pride in their jobs? It seems that everyone just wants more money to do less work. Always looking for meal ticket or the next free ride. Well not on my dime you fucking freeloaders.

Some days I wish I could rally together all the true working stiffs in this country. Have them all band together to round up all these lazy shits and have them shipped off to shovel snow in the arctic or sweep the sand in the Sahara. Get them out of our way so that those of us who want to work will no longer have to trip over those who are asleep on the job. A chance to bring back the pride of the working class and turn away the white collar evil eye.

Are We on COPS?

2006-07-07T04:49:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I just don't believe some of the shit I see happening on a daily basis. Take today for example. I was driving to work when I came up behind this 4x4 Ford Ranger. There was this skinny trailer trash looking guy sitting in the bed of the truck, something which is illegal in these parts.

I followed behind them for awhile. The guy just sat there staring off into the distance. Way out in la la land somewhere. I changed lanes a mile or so later, still about a car length behind the truck. The guy in the bed starts looking around like he's searching his pockets for something. Moments later he pulls his head up, pops a joint in his mouth, and starts puffing away. I have to admit, I was kind of surprised to see that at two in the afternoon on one of the busiest streets in town.

A few more miles down the road the cake got it's icing. From some side street a squad car came up behind me. Seconds later I hear a whoop whoop and see the cherry top spinning. I look over at the truck and low and behold there was that guy, doobie still hanging of his lip. Something tells me I wasn't the one about to be pulled over.

I also noticed today that the price of getting fucked in the ass... I mean a gallon of gas took a dime sized jump. Aren't these fuckers rich enough? The retiring chair of Exxon, Lee Raymond, is being forced to survive on a meager retirement fund of approximately 400 million dollars. I feel so sorry for him. No, no I really do. Honest.

But any how, it got me thinking about alternative fuels. Something that would still make good power and work with my cars. I thought about it. Ponder the possibilities. Then it came to me. Have you ever seen the old Ford valve covers that say "Powered By Ford"? It won't be Ford any more. Nope. Powered By Satan is what popped into my head. Make it a true hotrod from hell. I can hear it now.

Them: " Whatcha got under the hood?"
Me: "Pure evil."
Them: " How many cubic inches?"
Me: " 666 c.i.d."
Them: " What's it run on?"
Me: " Tortured souls of the eternally damned."
Them: " Wanna race?"
Me: " Care to make a little wager? I'm almost on empty."

3rd post in a month. I better pace myself.

2006-06-22T04:23:00.000-05:00

Posting for me is becoming sporadic at best. I think it has to do with the winning combo of disabled vehicles, backed up chores and that recurring work thing news though. The truck is fixed after about $250 in parts and a couple weekends of wrenching. Two of my most hated repairs, brakes and exhaust. It's more like crud and rust with a side oil and transmission fluid soaked into my hair. It was a good thing I had a helper. All I have to do now is teach her to fetch wrenches and sockets.

For Father's Day I received from my loving children, the second season of The Munsters. Sweet. It has little documetaries on Fred Gwynne, Al Lewis, and Yvonne De Carlo. There is even a brief history about the show. They even tell of the Munsters' demise at the hands of Batman and Robin. At some point, the puppies even had time to type me up a nice little card which contained a cute rhyme about how they like to give daddy puppy punches in the crotch. Such sweet little angels.

On Tuesday I had a few extra minutes so I stopped and got my hair cut. It has been a while since the last time I had my ears lowered. Usually, I go once a month before I go to work, but sometimes the prospect of driving through the center of town and hitting all the busiest intersections, is just too annoying. So I will stretch it out for two months or so. This time I got it cut extra short on the sides and the back. Real nice and tight. Maybe now I won't have to use so much grease... I mean pomade. I don't think I had to comb my hair more than twice today, which is great cause it drives me nuts when my hair falls in my face or gets blow in my eyes when I'm driving. Absolutely bonkers.

This weekend should be fun. Three of my four nieces are having a group birthday party. A knee high ho-down orchestrated by my sister. She always tries to organize all these things for little kids parties. I don't get it. How are you going to kept order when you are feeding small children cake and soda. It's like J.R. says they are kids and what they want to do is run and play. The way I figure it, it's all a matter of feed them sugar, bounce vigorously, release the child at full tilt and duck for cover.

6-6-6

2006-06-07T05:45:00.000-05:00

Okay, so a bunch of people have been hyping up this whole 6--6-06 thing. The Omen is being released in theaters. It's cool, but if that's the only evil/ satanic thing I'm going to see today, that's just sad. Nobody burst into flames at work, no devil clouds in the sky. I did however, have one person ask me why I didn't take today off. I just told him "Where else am I going to get human sacrifices?" I was about to be all bummed out about nothing evil happening, but then I saw this. Now those are what I call shit kickers. I think the only thing that would make them better, is when you put your foot in someone ass, they burst into flames. Hmm, I wonder if I can get a pair in steel toe?

Is It Like This Everywhere?

2006-06-03T02:33:00.000-05:00

This last weekend I actually had three days off. Three days in a row thanks to the holiday. I thought this would be a opportune time to work on the brakes on my truck, which had started abruptly steering itself towards the curb when ever I let go of the tiller. Not good. While I was working on the brakes, I figured I might as well do the exhaust too. Good thing I still had all those mufflers and pipes over in my parents garage.

So, off I go to my parents to get the necessary parts. I get there and no one is home and I don't have my set of keys. Shit. I don't want to drive all the way back home to get the keys, so I call my brother, who just happens to be across the street, and he lets me in. I head out back to the garage and acquire my supplies and make my way to the car parked in front of the house. As I come to the front edge of the house I hear yelling coming from the people next door.

I turn to see what is going on. As my head turns, I see something that looks like the front end of a Buick, but is cratered like the moon. At this moment I realize that it is the 300 pound lady next door in a bathing suit. I quickly try to avert my eyes so that I won't go blind, only to see her beer bellied husband making his way towards their house...naked. As a jay bird. For the whole world to see. In plain sight of the entire neighborhood. I reel back in horror and make a hasty retreat to the safety of my car. In the background I can hear her screaming "God dammit! Don't you go in that house!" Seconds later I hear a screen door slam and little kids start screaming. The door slam again and he's back outside, still naked, still fighting with his wife. I got the hell out of there before the crew from COPS shows up.

Shit like that makes me wonder about the purpose of the human race. It makes me think that everyone I see out in public smokes crack. It's just one more thing that tells me that I'm right, and that 99.99% of the population is totally fucked.

Totally fucked. Like yesterday when I went to used the restroom at work. I work with a shop full of guys, so there is a varying degree of a lack of personal hygiene. I have the same grease in my hair for the week and some guys don't shower for two weeks. But what I discovered, would probly disgust even the smelliest of hillbillies. Upon entering the restroom facilities, I noticed a pile of black fabric laying in the floor next to the garbage can. Oh what the hell. That better not be what the fuck I thing that is. Damn it, it is. Some nasty son of a bitch shit his drawers, took them off and tossed them onto the floor. Absolutely fucking disgusting. What the fuck is wrong with people?

I feel like I'm surrounded by retards. What, did they think that this was okay? That the cleaning people should have to deal with this bullshit. I'm sure that cleaning offices isn't glamorous, but there is no reason they have to deal with this. So I do the noble thing, got a bucket of sawdust and a shovel, and scooped up the mess. Children. I'm dealing with a bunch of children. And to think that human beings are the dominant species on this planet. So civilized and intelligent. Right. At least cats will cover their shit up.

So, if you ever see me walking by, shooting the stink eye, you will now know why it is the public I despise.

Day Number Fifteen

2006-05-22T10:49:00.000-05:00

Today will be my fifteenth day ay work, which is a bit of along stretch for me. It feels even longer for J.R. and probly doesn't help her stress and panic attacks. At least today I get to go back to my normal scheduled shift. It was okay working on first shift. That is if I liked having your retinas burned to a crisp every time I went outside. I spent most of my time with my tinted safety glasses on, which have apparently lightened up since the last time I work day shift. When ever I stepped outside I had to put my clip-on shades on top of the safety glasses.

The traffic at five in the morning around here isn't too bad. I was able to hit all but one green light on most days. On sunday morning no one was out, not even the christians. It was so nice, I didn't have to make a single stop for twelve miles. Every light was green, the pavement was dry, and no yellow caution flags to be seen. No one was looking, so I drove it like it was Leguna Seca. Taking corners in third gear, using the engine's own compression to slow me down instead of hitting the brakes. Cutting it as close to the curb as I could. It felt good, kind of relaxing. It probly would have looked good too, but then again, I was driving my rusty Ranger.

At four thousand RPM it sounds less of a high speed road race machine, and more like a machine gun shooting b.b.'s into a empty coffee can. I think it was something to do with the missing three feet of tail pipe, the two inch crack at the hanger bracket, and the blown exhaust manifold gasket. That's just a guess though. Hopefully, I'll have more time to fix all of that stuff pretty soon.

Now it's time to try and catch up on all the things I have not had time to do. Like mow the lawn, which I last cut two weeks ago. With all the rain we have had other the last week, it's growing pretty fast. But first I have to find all the poop that the wonder twins left for me. I still have to finish off the hole where I pulled out a sixteen foot pole with a hunk of cement the size of half a 55 gallon drum. Fun, fun, fun.

Don't Mess with Texas...Oh I think I Shall.

2006-05-18T21:00:00.000-05:00

On occasion I have the privilege of dealing with people who don't not normally reside in this country. More specifically, Canadians and Texans. Yes, that's right, I said Texans. Oh, Texas isn't a foreign country you say. I beg to differ. Have you ever met anyone form there? I have, lots of them. I've even been to Texas, and let me tell you there is something seriously wrong with these people. They are akin to the finest French stereotypes. Bad hygiene, arrogant attitudes, and a shitty accent that makes it impossible to understand them. The key differences being that the French are famous for wine and cheese, and Texas is liberally soaked with beer and tequila. If Texas was known for it's cheese it would probly smell like barbecue and make your asshole burn.

The original intent of this post was not to rag on foreigners, but to ridicule the incompetent clowns that I have had to deal with. Persons that were hired to perform a task that is their "profession". I mean if you are going to offer your services for hire you should be able to complete the task. From beginning to end. This is also the key reason that I don't like to hire outside contractors, unless it is absolutely mandatory. They come in, half ass a bunch of shit, then high tail it out of there. Leaving you with a huge mess to deal with and your wallet a lot lighter.

On a side note, I discovered that one of the guys I am dealing with is actually from Wisconsin. Plus one for him. Then I find out he is Polish. Minus one for him. I should of known. The other guy...still from Texas ... still smells like ass.

Damn, where'd all these dust bunnies come from?!?

2006-05-07T01:10:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since the last time I did much around here. I'm surprised there aren't any cobwebs hanging around. Time for the spring cleaning I guess. That's where a lot of my free time has been spent, trying to finish some of the projects that I have going on. Putting up the ceiling in the garage, cleaning up the yard, consolidating my firewood collection, getting J.R.'s truck cleaned up so we can sell it, counter-acting puppy damage in the backyard, making plans for remodeling parts of the house, and having the sewer lines augered out. A vain attempt to organize all the stuff the I have accumulated over the winter.

Today, I got to experience the cleaning of the lines the run to the sewer in our house. Yeah, it was fucking nasty, and yes, I called Roto-Rooter and had them do it. I figured it would be best to let a professional handle it this time. They have the proper tools to do the job, that and you never know what you're gonna find in those drains. It seems that we had a large blockage of this black greasy substance in the line off of the kitchen and laundry room. About twenty feet worth topped off with about five pounds of spaghetti from the garbage disposal. The spaghetti was still in four to six inch long chunks, add that to soap scum, lint from laundry and whatever the hell else was in there, and whammo, total stoppage of water flow to the sewer line. If you have never smelled the stench from decaying material in your drains, consider yourself lucky. Two and a half hours and $178 later we once again have free flowing drains. Moral of this story? Don't put spaghetti down the garbage disposal, the garbage bill is cheaper than Roto- Rooter.

On a better note, I finally got most of the ceiling in the garage done. I put up OSB on the roof rafters and put up some two foot high walls above the ceiling. Kind of like a little attic. It's a good place for me to store all of my light weight auto parts, air filters, hoses, gasket sets, and oil filters. No heavy stuff though, whoever lived here before put three or four hundred pounds of lumber on top of the rafters right in the center of the garage. Not a good idea. On the under side of the rafters I put up some ceiling tiles. Just little one square foot tiles that I got from a guy I work with. It looks a lot better now. Cleaner, brighter, and as J.R. puts it, less places for spiders to hide. All I have left to do is put up some covers over the fluorescent lights, and that will pretty much finish of the ceiling.

We have been trying to grow grass where the pool used to be, but it's not going so well. I think UFO's have been coming down and digging holes in my yard. It has to be aliens, because I know these two wouldn't do such a thing. Yeah right. I have to keep back filling the holes with their own poop so they will stop digging. It works really well, until they move to another spot. Something tells me I'm going to end up with a yard that just has a sub layer of poop six inches below the top soil. My neighbors will be so jealous. My lawn will be the envy of the neighborhood. When they ask me what my secret is I'll tell them I water it by peeing on it every day. That would be kind of funny to see though, all my neighbors standing outside all weekend long pissing on their lawns, and I bet some of them are dumb enough to do it too.

Hmm, that was odd. While doing the spellcheck on this post, it suggested that I replace UFO's with wife's and peeing with penis. Man, who the hell writes these spellcheck progams anyway?

Weekend Update

2006-04-14T02:52:00.000-05:00

There was a moment of "back in my day" last weekend in my driveway. More specifically the growing up through the sixties and seventies Wisconsin version. My dad and J.R.'s dad are on version 5.Old. I think the only things they talked about were being in / knowing guys in 1970's military service, drinking beer at the age of eighteen, guns, shooting things with said guns, and the new wood splitter. I'm just glad they didn't get into highly heated, super intellectual debate of Ford versus Chevy. I would have had to turn the hose on them. All and all they got along well. J.R. and her mom went shopping at the mall and had to leave due to the mall catching on fire. Coincidence... I think not. I'm betting the mall was so annoyed by her mom's total lack of fashion sense that it opted for the self destruct / fiery implosion. It has lost its will to offer great retail prices and sidewalk sales.

Tuesday I went to the Redwing shoe store to order new work boots. I must have been the lucky 100th customer or something, I got there just in time to hear an apparent argument between the salesman and his wife. I was glad that I already knew which boots I wanted and exactly what size I needed. In and out in five minutes and I didn't even have to hear about his domestic dilemmas. Why do people always feel like they must just share that crap random individuals? Hello people! That's why we call you strangers, it's that winning combination of us not knowing you and the fact that your loose screws probly fell out. Just remember that not everyone wants to hear about how your wife spent your paycheck and won't fuck you anymore.

Tonight a huge storm blew in and pelted the shop with golf ball sized hail. The shop is a steel roof pole barn and with the hail hammering down you couldn't hear anything. I was kind of exciting in that if anyone goes outside they are gonna need stitches kind of way. A couple of the guys looked pretty scared though. I told them there wasn't anything to worry about as long as the hail hits them in the head. You know they're not using them anyway.

Well I guess that's enough for now. I should probly go see to the perverts. Last I checked they were laying on the foot of the bed watching Trading Spaces and ogling a home furnishings catalog. I don't know if I should leave these two alone and unsupervised.

Timberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

2006-04-04T03:52:00.000-05:00

As you may have already heard a large tree fell in our yard Monday morning. Well, technically, it was on the outside of our fence, but close enough to fucked up ten feet of fence. Oh, and not so much " in our yard" as much as it was laying across the street on top of what was left of the power lines. When the tree went down, the roots came up through the bottom of the fence and split the section of fence in two.

So, I did the responsible thing and immediately called the power company. They said that they would have some one out ASAP. Half an hour later the power company pulls up next to the tree. Two guys hop out, look at the mess, jump back in their truck and leave. Around this time J.R. calls the county sheriff to have them put out some flares. We have a lot of kids that go past our house to get to school. So the sheriff, who must have been 6'6" or 6'8", tosses out four flares (I thought 15 was the minimum amount of flare)and leaves shortly there after.

The next to arrive are the guys from the tree removal service. Well, the first thing they see are the power lines in the tree enough for them. They don't even bother to get out of the truck. They leave too. Around this time I find out that the power company won't do anything because there is a tree on the lines, and the tree service won't do anything because the lines are under the tree. The last of the party guests to show up are the guys from the village street department. They were up front about the fact that this was beyond their capabilities. So let us recap. Three different crews check this thing out and no one wants to touch it. My tax dollars hard at work.

About an hour later the tree service starts cutting it up. I go out and talk to the guy "in charge". I ask about what they do with the wood when they are done. His response..."I don't know we just get it off the road enough for cars to pass." Nice. I watch them cut for awhile, and I notice that the guy in the cherry picker is cutting off the biggest branch holding down the power lines that are directly under him. I think to myself " This guy is gonna cut the branch off, those lines are gonna shoot up, and rip his head off. Or at least an arm, I'm not picky. But, alas, his buddy stops him and they tie the lines down to the truck. So much for entertainment. Time to get some rest.

A while later J.R. wakes me up and tells me they are taking the whole tree. I at least wanted the trunk to chop up for firewood. I toss on some clothes and walk out there barefoot and looking like hell. After a little chatting, the guys from the village unload the two biggest pieces for me. It worked well for them since doing it like this would save them an extra trip. Works good from me because they had to deal with all the bullshit brush and pick up the mess.

I called in to work and told them that I wouldn't be in. You know fallen tree, no power, gotta fix the fence. That old chestnut. The damage wasn't all that bad though. It took me about three hours to dig out the roots and fill in the hole. The only boards that actually broke were the three rails on that section of fence and only one of the pickets. So sixteen bucks later I got everything to repair the fence.

All in all not a bad deal. I wanted that tree gone anyway. I was always scared that it would fall on the garage and the trucks in the driveway, and that's a headache I don't need. Friday J.R.'s dad is coming down to help cut it up. Apparently, he went out after work and bought a big ass, gas(not ass-gas) powered splitter. Man, is he reeeally excited about this. Dude, it's just a tree. Well, I guess it is a good excuse to buy a new tool/toy.

Night Shift Terrors

2006-03-29T05:12:00.000-06:00

Last night I had a nightmare. No zombies, spiders, or other creepy shit like J.R. has in her nightmares. Nope not in mine. Mine always seem to be about me waking up late or being late to work, except this time there was a twist. In my dream I was four hours late for work. I start to drive to work and no one will get out of my way. I'm almost to work and I look at my watch and it says it's 7:30 pm, which is close to lunch time at work. So I decide to get something to eat before I get to work. I start to head towards a gas station ( yes, I will eat food from gas stations), when I realize that the gas station in front of me was torn down a few years ago. At this point I become aware that this is all just a dream.

So, I wake up and start to get dressed for work, completely relieved that I'm not late for work. Then I hear something that draws my attention ...Here's the twist... and wakes me up! What the hell?!? It's actually 11:34 in the morning. It was all just another dream. As if nightmares about work aren't bad enough, I wake up and get ready for twice in one day is fucking irritating. I think that should constitute an automatic day off of work. I guess it could be worse. I could have actually made it to work and worked half way though my shift before I woke up. Wait, I think I had that dream last weekend.

Well Okay Then

2006-03-10T21:54:00.000-06:00

Hmm. It seems as though Blogger has some issue with people commenting on my dirty trash can or maybe Blogger is just jealous.

Stuff Portrait Friday

2006-03-10T03:46:00.000-06:00

My garbage can:
This is the well abused can from in my garage. Customized with liberal amounts of motor oil and saw dust. I swear this thing never weighs less than fifty pounds.

My junk drawer:
Not only do I have multiple junk drawers, I have actually expanded into the field of small junk boxes to put into the junk drawers in hopes of "organizing" the ever growing mass of crap I collect.

My trunk:
Well, technically it's the back of my truck. Normally it only has my spare and a tool box, but today I have it packed full of fire wood and new garbage cans too. I've only had this truck for six months and I can't even recall how many times I've loaded it til the bumper scrapes. For costing $995, it takes a beating pretty well.

Hmm...Green Soda...I Wonder...

2006-03-08T04:25:00.000-06:00

When I bought this I thought the bottle was just colored green. I was totally unaware that the soda its self was actually green. I was expecting it to be clear like 7up or Sprite. Looks like I can test my theory about purple and green beverages.

What's Grosser Than Gross?

2006-02-28T04:37:00.000-06:00

(You might want to have a barf bag handy for this one.)

That was one of the many questions that I was bombarded with today. Just to bam it up a bit (spiceweasel), I decided to give the guy an answer he wasn't expecting. So instead of saying "What?", I said " It's when you hear what you think is one of your cats coughing up a hair ball, only to realize it's a big warm pile of dog vomit which consists of undigested cheesy rice surrounding a large hunk of squishy cat shit that the dog had apparently eaten earlier."

He promptly left and did not return with any more annoying questions for the rest of the night. Looks like I have for something as effective as baked bean and egg farts.

Pass Me the Remote

2006-02-24T04:49:00.000-06:00

Here at the ole hillbilly homestead we don't have a cement pond, but we do have satellite television. 150 plus channels to choose from. Now this would tend to make one assume that there is a vast selection of progams to watch at any given time of day. I thought that this would be great since I work second shift and the local stations cut out around one or two in the morning. It was real nice at first. TVland always had something funny on, and if not, you could go to Nick@Nite. Maybe an educational show on National Geographic or a tantalizing bit on the History Channel. There was always something on that would peak my interest or tickle my funny bone. Then the bastards started changing everything around.

First, I Dream of Genie went from color to black and white, Bewitched went from black and white to color. Then they started replacing decent programs with annoying shit like Roseanne.
Next entire stations dropped out at two o'clock to broadcast paid program bullshit. Who the hell wants a Magic Bullet anyway!? Then we got Mr. Ron Popeil. I'd like to set and forget his infomercials. Unless he's gonna stick his head in that oven, I don't even want to see his face on the screen.

At this point I'm grateful I have not seen anymore of those commercials with that old man and his juicer. That guy sticks anything and everything in that damn juicer. You know some day he's gonna snap. He'll start juicing his dirty sweat socks with broccoli and carrots. Next he'll be tossing in brussel sprouts and get his hand run through the machine. The crazy old bastard would probly keep going. Maybe even toss back a belt of his own bloody appendage smoothy. I could just hear him remarking on how much protein it has. I got to give the guy a thumbs up on those eyebrows though. Looks like those caterpillars could take over the rest of his face at any time.

Maybe I should call complain about the lousy program selections. Send them a couple tons of letters requesting more quality and less bullshit. Send them a emails until their hard drives melt. They would probly still blow me off. Bastards. Be a day late on that bill though, and they are on you like stink on shit.

I have discovered that people who get to see prime time television are also bombarded with a non-stop stream of crap. Apparently there is some show on now called Dancing with the Stars? What is this garbage? A bunch of F rate celebrity hosiers that can't dance. Oh the joy that must bring. I'm sure that this next season of Who wants to Marry A Big Brother Ugly Duck Wife Swap Survivor will be the one show that everyone will want to watch. Or maybe the last nail in the reality T.V. coffin. I can only hope.

Master of His Domain

2006-02-11T00:47:00.000-06:00

WARNING: This post has been rated mature yet juvenile for cat on mouse violence and excessive use of catnip.

Recently, I discovered a small mouse village in my garage. They were getting into everything. Chewing on this, pooping on that. I was very unamused, so I bought some mouse traps. I baited them with a three cheese blend on the first set, peanut butter on the second set, and placed them in the garage. Days later the traps laid bare, some with bait intact, some stripped clean, but no mice. It turns out the little bastards just relocated to the house. The house with twelve cats inside. Not the wisest decision.

It didn't take long for the cats to notice the new arrivals. The cats spent most of today keeping an eye on this one baseboard in the dining room. They knew something was back there, and they were determined to get it. It was only a matter of time now. I made the wait more enjoyable for the kitties by liberally covering said area with catnip. Nothing better than hunting mice with a nice buzz.

Later on I came into the house to find most of the cats huddled up in the center of the living room. They were all circling Roo, who was letting out a low growl. I think this might be why.

No front claws. Missing most of his teeth. Older than most of the cats in the house. The old man is still on top of his game. So at this point, I start telling Roo what a good boy his is, in an effort to get the dead mouse away from him. Everyone scatters and disappears. All heading different directions. I followed Roo into the basement. When I reach the bottom of the stairs, I find Roo, Rowdy, Smidge, and Wobbles playing hockey with the mouse. The last time they caught a mouse, I found Wobbles tossing it through the air like a ragdoll. It's all fun and games until someone gets a mouse in the eye.

So now the cats are taunting me as I try to catch which ever one has the mouse at the time. I guess I'll just have to wait until they get bored with it, fall asleep, or maybe they will just keep playing hot potato with the thing to see how long I'll chase them around.

Don't You Hate It When...

2006-02-07T04:51:00.000-06:00

Don't you hate it when you go to scramble eggs, crack a couple open, and find what appears to be extra bits that are not yolk or whites? I'm talking about that long white blob that looks like a giant sperm. It reminds me of when I lived on a farm and we would go collect the eggs from the chickens and the ducks. Sometimes, you would find a few that had been fertilized. Eww. The only thing nastier than rooster cum in my eggs, is all the monkey cum in Gleemonex.

Stolen from Squirl again

2006-02-06T03:00:00.000-06:00

You Are an Old Soul

You are an experienced soul who appreciates tradition.
Mellow and wise, you like to be with others but also to be alone.
Down to earth, you are sensible and impatient.
A creature of habit, it takes you a while to warm up to new people.

You hate injustice, and you're very protective of family and friends
A bit demanding, you expect proper behavior from others.
Extremely independent you don't mind living or being alone.
But when you find love, you tend to want marriage right away.

Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul and Visionary Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

I Should Have Know

2006-02-02T07:37:00.000-06:00

I just got back from dropping off the oldest boy at his high school. I think that this experience justifies me driving the monter truck next time. Well, after I put on a huge push bar or some sort of cow catcher/plow device. It must be the moron-mecca of driving over there.

Way WAY Back In The Day

2006-02-02T04:08:00.000-06:00

Prior to writing this post, I was checking the ol' site meter to see if I've cleared five thousand visitors yet. I haven't yet, but I did check out the world map feature, and I found something that brought back some amusing memories. One of the visits was from someone for Macclesfield in the U.K. A town that just happens to be to home of a band called the Macc Lads. A crude and unusual band I might add, but I found them entertaining in my young punk rock days. Which leads to the main focus of this post. My punk rock days.

In a land long gone the lived a punk with a big purple Mohawk (that would be me), who knew many people. He was friends with a few people and tolerated most others with the exception of a few shining individuals. Those special some ones that I loved to torture and fuck with at any opportune moment. Kyle was one of these poor retarded fuck nuts. Actually he was on the top of the list. A long, long list at that.

There was a small indy record shop in town that most of us would frequent. This guy could get all sorts of crazy shit. Shit that was out of print for ten or twenty years. He also did alot of special orders, and one of these orders was for Kyle. Kyle was also into the Macc Lads and ordered an album on the terms that he would pay for it in full when it arrived. Two weeks later the album shows up and Kyle is flat broke. I was completely aware of the situation due to the fact that I worked with Kyle at the time. I was also aware the his beer money never stretched past Saturday night. So, after another week of this album sitting in limbo and the store owner wanting payment, I went in and convinced the owner to sell me the album instead. He was eager to accept, and I was off with another tool in my bag of torture tricks.

Fast forward a couple weeks to a party in the apartment building some of us lived in. People are drinking, mingling, and wandering from apartment to apartment. Everyone just kept their doors open during the party. Everyone was playing music. Everyone was having fun. This is when I struck. I popped in a tape in had in my pocket. Kyle's ears perked up and he says to me " This is the Macc Lads, I got one of their albums on order." I said "Yeah, I know, I bought it!" Man, you could just see it in his face, he was pissed. He asked me if I wanted to sell him the album. I told him that I couldn't because it was already gone. Oh, he was very interest to find out where it went to, so I told him. I told him I gave it away to this guy who liked them alot. Someone we both knew. A guy named Eli. A guy Kyle could not stand in the least. Kyle fucking hated Eli and probly still does to this day. Eli was a good guy though. He never did me wrong and he was always honest and up front. That what made it so sweet.

Man, Kyle was pissed about that and it still amuses the hell out of me to this day. It reminds me of the times when I would challenge Kyle to a fist fight and he would always back down. I should point out that he also out weighed me by at least 50 or 60 pounds at the time and was a couple inches taller than me. He would always have some lame excuse about how he wouldn't do it because I wouldn't take off my iron cross ring and it was unfair. There was always some pansy excuse with him. Or maybe deep down he knew I wanted to rip off his arms and beat him with them. Oh well, I guess we will never know.

Stayed tuned for future installments from Way Way Back in the Day(insert fading echo effect).

Minor Modifications

2006-02-01T04:43:00.000-06:00

In light of the recent injury over at the Cotillion, I thought I might share one of my own. If you are squeamish, you may want to stop reading now. If you decide to read on, don't say I didn't warn you.

The other day I was hammering nails out of a 2x6 and apparently one of the nails was bent a bit. Upon hammering this nail back out of the board, I promptly punched the head of the nail into the heel of my left hand. When I felt the nail hit, I moved my hand, in the process removing a chunk of skin. A chunk of skin that was the size of a number two pencil eraser and fairly deep. The bad part (as if there is a good part about this whole thing) was that the piece tore completely off and I was left with nothing to patch the hole. My only option was holding gauze over it until it stopped bleeding. So now I'm stuck with a patch of exposed subdermis and raw nerves. Fun. Fun. Fun.

The irritating part about his is that I was fixing some else's mistake. Shit like that pisses me off just a bit more than if it was something that was my own fault. Makes me wish I had death rays or lasers in my eyes. You now, just to keep them on their toes.

Oh and Bucky, as far as the sketch artist goes, they are having a hard time finding reliable witnesses. It seems that everyone that looked directly at the drunken blob, is now irreparably blind.

Merry Chuking Fristmas

2006-01-28T04:35:00.000-06:00

It's 4:30 in the morning, J.R. is attempting to get a little rest and the puppy menace has been awakened. They are currently "playing" in the livingroom. By playing, I mean wrestling, no holds barred. Periodically I hear yelps and what could be described as little puppy screams. I go to the livingroom to break up what I assume is Hermione being to rough with Moo. What I find is Ninny laying on her back with all four feet up in the air with Moo standing over her head chewing on her ears. So, maybe it wasn't a cry for help as much as it was some sort of puppy battle cry. Game on.
The christmas party for work went well. That's right, a christmas party at the end of January. Yeah, it sounds weird, I don't know why they do it so late, but at least it's better than having it in March. Anyway, I'm not really a very social person, much less being social with people I work with. That and I think it's just a bad idea to give people of "questionable taste" free booze. There is always someone there with a loud mouth or some couple starts fighting, amplified by the excessive consumption of spirits. I think of a work related function as a place where people should show some manners and not act like it's a guest appearance on COPS. You may not like who you work for , but show a little civility.

The food was good. J.R. and I both had orange roughy. I'm not a real big fish person, but this was really good. Not real fishy smelly and no heavy after taste. It probly would have tasted even better if I wasn't mixing it with merlot and Jack & Coke. I've heard that fish is more of a white wine food and lets face it Jack Daniels really isn't meant to go with anything other than Coca-Cola. Well steak maybe, but sour mash is still an acquired taste. Or a lack of taste buds, it's a fine line.

I find social situations to be a bit unnerving at times. More stressful than relaxing. I know J.R. doesn't really look forward to being around people she doesn't know. I can't blame her, I work with some uncouth people. It wasn't to bad this year. We got to sit with people from the day shift, people I don't really ever talk to. They were pretty quiet and we filled the silence with some courteous small talk. Then there was the fat drunk wife of some guy, sitting at the table behind us. All I can say is wow. I can guarantee that this guy is gonna catch hell on Monday. The details of this experience, I shall leave to J.R., as I feel her writing abilities will do it the justice it deserves.

Sometimes you can't think of a title and you just start to ramble on and on and on...

2006-01-25T03:41:00.000-06:00

Three and a half hours of sleep. Sandwiched neatly between two eleven hour shifts at work. Not much for some, but a great deal for others. Some people can't function properly with out enough sleep. I just say fuck it and keep pushing on. Some days there is just so much shit to get done. I'll get going on something and won't stop til it's done. Then the ideas for projects start running through my head. My brain doesn't want to stop or slow down. It just keeps going and going and going. I should probly go and eat something, but I have not been real hungry as of late. So if at some point this post wanders off, there is your reason.

As you may already know, we got a new puppy. A saint bernard named Moo. For some unknown reason when I say her name, I feel like calling her Moobi. Maybe it has something to do with mega-moobi-muffins. She is a perfectly match for the ninny gator. It appears the both live at the same level of retardation. It's so much quieter in the house now. I think it's becuase they spend most of their time sleeping or chewing on each others heads. I can't complain though. Quiet is quiet. The potty training is going really well, she just follows her big sister. Now if she could just stop pooping on the step. They get along really great even after only knowing each other for ten days. They are almost inseparable. Nose in butt, nose in butt. Ninny actually behaves better now that Moo is here. Maybe it's all the needle sharp puppy teeth.

We got Weebles fixed on Monday. She has been getting "obsessive" over J.R. lately. A bit more mommy oriented. A calico scarf with claws. Fuckin' psycho. Weebs has been bombed for two days on her kitty meds. At the moment she is actually passed out in my lap. Which has become rather warm. I hope it's from her warm kitty heart and she that she has not just passed out and peed on me. Man that would suck. "Oh daddy, it's so nice that you're home, let me just fall asleep and pee on you." I guess it would be better than Eleven. She just looks at you like "Where the fuck you been?" or "Oh, you're not gonna share you dinner with me." and proceeds to pee on you or something that belongs to you specifically. Yeah she's a sweetheart.

Well, it seems I have lost track of where I was going with this. Ah, I'll probly remember later when I'm trying to go to sleep. Maybe I'll even post again before the week is out.

A Thing or Two Off the To - Do List

2006-01-09T01:33:00.000-06:00

I enjoy doing projects over the week end. I find it relaxing to get a few things done that are not work related. Sometimes it feels like all I do is stuff for work. I am fortunate though in the fact that my job isn't one of those jobs that has work that follows you home.

The first thing I got done was changing the plugs in my truck. More specifically, the plugs and wires that I bought back in November. This should give me a few more miles per gallon. I was kind of surprised when I popped the cap off the distributor and found that the tip of the rotor was almost totally burned off. Surprised the truck still ran that is. This probly explains the erratic idle that it has had lately.

The second project was the disassembling of a lowboy type cabinet that came with the house. It looked like it had seen its fair share of abuse and moisture was starting to take its toll on the legs. For the past couple of months I have been using it to elevate the cat's litter boxes out of range of Hermionie's "truffle huntin' nose". I was stunned to realize that who ever built this thing took their time and did a decent job. It was made out of solid pine, no particle board here. All the joints were tongue in groove and every piece interlocked with a snug fit. It came apart with minimal effort and with only a few taps from the hammer and pry bar. This left me with a good amount of reusable wood, which leads me to my third project.

This one came to me while I was hauling the debris from the cabinet out to the garage. There were four drawers left from the cabinet that were still in good shape. They were about 24"wide, 24" deep, and 4" tall. Perfect for "built-in" shelves in the garage. They fit great between the wall studs and should work well with the peg board doors I'm gonna make tomorrow. I'm always trying to find new ways to get more storage space out of the garage while increasing the open working area. I try to used every little bit of space to its maximum capacity. The garage is only twenty feet wide by twenty-four feet deep. Techincally it's a two car garage, but with all the shit I have it's more like a one car. A small car at that. It's a tight squeeze when I got to bring the monster truck in. Some day I'll fix that too. All in due time.

The Evil Army

2006-01-07T04:37:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I have last posted. Due mostly to work and the "holiday season". More like a holiday nightmare with all the shitty traffic jams and people that forget how to drive overnight. But now onto more interesting topics. A couple weeks ago I received a package in the mail. Upon opening it I discovered that it was the evil coconut monkey that had previously been put up for auction by Kristine. I had totally forgot about it with all the stress from work. I was happy to see that I now have another piece for my evil collection, but first I must test it to see if it is truly evil enough. So, unto the laboratory!

Down in the lab where I create hideous creatures that lurk in the dark. Where I keep all of my beakers and test tubes. It just so happens to be where I keep the best tool for testing for evil potential. Oh yeah, that's right , it's whiskey. Good ol' Jerk Daniels. If that doesn't bring out bad behavior, nothing will. Now the idea is to give the monkey just a shot or so to judge its reaction. Unfortunately, I was momentarily pulled away from my work. I was only gone for a second, but a second is all it takes. This is what I discovered when I returned. Not a drop left.

I began to search the lab, but he was gone. Almost without a trace to if it were not for the hordes of fleeing cats. In their wake they left a perfect trail back to his hiding place. A clever hiding place at that. I pulled away the lamp shade and he shot off like a bolt of lightning.

He was easier to find this time . It appears the he sensed something with an evil force much like his own and zeroed in. He was undone by his own curiosity and quickly cornered. His capture was eminent. But seriously, I don't even want to know what is going on under that blanket.
Looks like I'm gonna have to keep these two separated. I couldn't even fathom the evil that they could conjure up. Some sort of poo flinging monkitty demon maybe.

#@!#@!

2005-12-14T04:33:00.000-06:00

Today just started out so fucking shitty. Plain and simple. Last night the furnace started acting up. This morning I wake up at nine o'clock in the morning to a balmy fifty eight degree room temperature. I call over a friend of mine that has been doing maintanace for most of his life. We sit down and try to figure what the problem is. We find that the ignition source isn't working anymore. At this point in time he has no place to get parts from. So, I am left with no option but to call a repairman/parts dealer. One of the many types of "professionals" that I can't stand. They are right up their with automechanics. Tighten and loosen a few spare parts. One thing's fixed, another falls apart.

So, this guy is sitting in my basement working on my furnace. Now, for some unknown reason, he starts giving me his shitty two-bit advice about how I should go about repairs in MY house. About what I should be doing to take care of things in MY house. Then he starts telling me how I should get a second job and how J.R. needs to start working so we can buy a $2,500 furnace. At this point I start getting agitated. Fucking pissed off. Who is this guy trying to tell me what to do with my life? I wonder if he thinks what he is doing is a good idea. Is he so oblivious that he never realizes that this shit might piss someone off ? I wonder how safe he feels at this moment. I wonder if it might dawn on his that I might be offended and plant my boot squarely in his ass. I doubt he does.

After being two hours late and only working for half an hour, he removes a part the size of a pack of cigarettes. Apparently, this part costs upwards of $150 and is hard to find, but it just so happens that he has a spare used one in his truck. Lucky me, yeah right. He decides to be a swell guy and give it to me at a discounted price of seventy five dollars. Wow again, lucky me. This asshole is so fucking full of bullshit that it seeps out his ears. Add to that his service fees and the wages I lost waiting for this prick, and you have a total of about two hundred bucks. I hope he enjoys the extra income from his discounted parts sales. I hope he goes out, buys a hooker, catches herpes, and his cock rots off.

I feel better now, and I didn't even have to labotamize anyone.

Really Cold, Lotta Snow, Gonna Make Some Yellow Snow

2005-12-10T00:55:00.000-06:00

Eleven more days until is technically winter, and we've already had a week straight of below freezing temps and sub-zero windchills. Now we have something like six or eight inches of snow sitting on the ground. Yep, I can't wait til winter gets here. My feet still haven't thawed out from Tuesday night! I think it's time to get some insulated winter boots. Especially since when it gets real cold out, I end up being the one who gets to do the outside stuff. And let me tell you steel toe Redwings are not the best choice for keeping you toes happy. The steel toe tends to radiate the cold right into your feet. I think I should get some of those boot cleats too. I think I've fallen half a dozen times this week. The worst though is when you start to fall and try to correct yourself and over compensate. Twist you ankle, pop your knee, wrench your back, and give yourself whiplash. It would probly be less painful if you just finished falling. Ah, then I would probly break my tail bone and have to run around with one of those butt doughnuts. Yeah that would be sexy.

This weekend is going to be well enjoyed by not freezing my ass off. The only thing I really need to do outside is fix J.R.'s tire and check the rest of them out. That won't be to bad since I have a wood stove in the garage, and I'll take the tire to a shop and have some one else peel the old tire off. I've tried to take tires off the rims by myself before. Talk about a pain in the ass. Those bead breakers that some auto parts places sell are a joke. More like ball breakers. I just find it faster to go to a tire shop and spend the five bucks to get it mounted and balanced. Actually I think they gouge you for something like fifteen or twenty bucks per tire now. And just for you information, if the tire guy asks you if you want you tire balanced statically or dynamically, always go with dynamic. It tends to be more accurate. Another thing to watch out for is the "tire guy" himself, who will probly turn out to be a "tire kid". More like a "tired kid" with glassy eyes and a bad case of the munchies. Well, at least they will give you a "lifetime" warranty on the balancing, you know, in the event that a certain some one forgot to attached the tire weights properly.

But, enough of that for now. It's time to defrost my toes under a nice warm puppy.

Favorite Words

2005-12-07T04:53:00.000-06:00

Today I got into a dicussion about "big words" with one of the tards at work. He asked me if there were any fancy words that I knew. I told him the word impetus. He of course asks me what that is. It's an impelling force I tell him. He is clearly drawing a blank on this one. So I explain it to him in an easy to understand fashion. It's my foot up your ass.

People for the Eating of Tasty Animals or People Eaten as Tasty Appetizers

2005-12-06T05:12:00.000-06:00

Tonight's sub zero wind chills require me to pull out the heavy duty gear. Oh yeah, that's right, it's my big fuzzy hat. This hat rocks and is incredibly warm. It's even convertible.
The sides untie and unfold to cover my ears and cheeks. The back comes down so far that I can tuck it under the collar of my coat. When I wear this hat out in public, I always get people that give me weird looks. Sometimes a witless comment or two. Today was one of those days.
So I'm wearing my hat, being warm, and minding my own. All of a sudden this dumbass feels the need to proclaim to me that he is a member of PETA. I instinctively start to chuckle. Wow, I think , this guy and Pam Anderson are gonna save some chickens from the colonel. This guy starts going on about how could I wear fur and blah blah blah, yackity schmackity. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that my hat is made from fur? Rabbit fur to be specific. So this guy is giving me shit and asks me how I can wear something made from something so adorable? Simple. I couldn't find a fur lined hat made out of people. That one shut him up and seemed to confuse him a little. You know it would just end up smelling like hairy ass anyway, and who wants that wrapped around their head?

Now I'm not saying that I'm the kind of person who runs over furry critters in my big bad monster truck for shits and giggles. Besides, everyone knows thats what pedestrians are for. I'm just not that kind of guy that goes all crackpot and runs around protesting every little thing where an animal may at some point suffer or die. I lived on a farm for several years and butchered various animals for food. I don't really think there is a need to test eyeliner on cats, but using rats and mice for medical reseach is something I can agree with. I'm just realistic about things I guess. Some of their issues just seem a bit out there at times. One thing that gets me are the ones that bitch about how cruel it is killing animals while sucking on a big bloody steak. Fucking hipocrites. What do they want to do? Massage the cows to death? Give the chickens a neck rub until they give up the will to live? What's next? Will they want to have mass funerals at slaughter houses? I just seems like there are more important things to be concerned about.

So, let's just recap for a second. I eat meat and wear leather. Plain and simple. So don't try and lay some guilt trip bullshit on me, it just gives me another opportunity to says something that will offend you even further.

Boogergate: Day Two

2005-12-02T05:07:00.000-06:00

So it's day two of the new flesh wound. It's doing good so far and the flap of skin is still holding in place. The glue that the doctor used is starting to turn a kind of yellow color now. It still doesn't hurt, which is good. However, it is starting to itch like hell. Especially in the crease of the behind my nostril. I also noticed that there is a cut inside my nose, that one isn't real bad and only bled for a little while yesterday. But enough of this boogery banter for now. There are other more interesting topics to talk about. Such as demolition derbys.
While at work today I noticed that in certain areas of the yard the forklifts have shit for traction, which gave me a brilliant idea. Demo derby on ice! Ooh yeah, just the thought of all the spinning out of control carnage makes me grin from ear to ear. Imagine taking a nice level ten or twelve acre field and having the fire department hose it down right before it freezes outside. Add in a bunch of full framed land barges. Hand out the studded tires and re-enforce the bumpers. Slap on yer mittens and helmet. To make this really exciting we will need to have certain requirements. Like get the biggest damn engine you can get your filthy frozen hands on. No sissy 350's or pansy ass 5.0's. I'm talking about 500 cubic inch caddys preferably with some nice speed parts and a blower or nitrous. Really, what fun would it be without retardedly obscene amounts of horsepower?

Man, I can see the 6,000 pound doughnuts of destruction in my head. Headers spewing flames ten feet into the air. I guess you won't really have to worry about being cold, cause you know at some point the cars will catch fire. I think it would make a good team or tandem car event. Tie two cars together at the ass end and make them work in unison. That would make for some very interesting chain reactions. Ideas are just flying into my head now. I guess I've found something good about it being winter, and it looks like shit gettin' fucked up!

Discount Rhinoplasty or No More Magic Nose Goblins

2005-12-01T04:26:00.000-06:00

So as many of you have heard, I took a broom to the nose. A little bit of nostril rearranging. It's not all that bad though. It could have been worse. Fortunately, I still had my safety glasses on from being at work. It's kind of weird how I manage to survive 12 hours at work without injury but hurt myself shortly after I get home. Above is a picture of what it looks like now.In an odd coincidence, the only thing that makes injured noses better is fresh brownies. Baked goods always make the pain go away. But if for some reason it starts to hurt again, we will have to up the dosage to blueberry muffins. That's bound to work.

Hmm

2005-11-29T07:36:00.000-06:00

According to Google, if your seaching for "schoolhouse cock", my blog is their number one choice.
It feels great to be number one, but I have to thank all the people that through hard work and sheer pervertedness made this a dream come true. Without the twisted comments of my fellow freaks and weirdos, none of the would be possible.

Stop Me If You Heard This One

2005-11-29T04:11:00.000-06:00

I've had this joke stuck in my head all day at work.

Q: What has seven arms and sucks?

A: This.

Happy Holidays

2005-11-25T13:57:00.000-06:00

Four days off work and the first two are fucking freezing. At least I didn't have to deal with my mom and my sister arguing over Thanksgiving dinner. That's always the annoying part about the holidays. Crabby relatives, turkey with a little rot gut surprise, families that expect you to be in two places at once, and the ever so enjoyable X-mas shopper traffic. I've always been annoyed with the whole "You gotta come to our dinner " schitck. Ooh, you can't forget about the impending guilt trip that they will try to lay on when you don't show. What the hell is that about? It's like a battle to see who can give their family food poisoning first.

The sport of...gastro-intestinal carnage.

Little Jimmy is heading for the deviled eggs. You know Bob,those eggs were painstaking made yesterday, then left in the car window for the two hour drive! Oh wait, grandpa is losing the belt. Looks like he's heading for the bathroom...but wait, what's this?! Little Janie cuts gramps off at the corner with a bad case of pink turkey diarrhea. An amazing turn of events, I never saw that coming. Let's hope the wallpaper survives this battle. Uncle Fred is on his third piece of strawberry cheesecake with an relish tray olive chaser and he seems to be getting a little green around the gills. Will he beat little Jimmy to the porcelain god? Stay tuned for the latest coverage.

Let's not forget all those day after Thanksgiving shoppers. Awake by three in the morning, at the stores by four. Waiting for the doors that open at five. It's an invasion of cheap people. A feeding frenzy of K-mart shoppers. Seriously, how sick is that? Is it really that important to save five dollars on that ugly ass men's cable knit sweater? In lavender? Is there some kind of joy derived from being packed like sardines in a store with people still spewing flatulence from yesterdays feast? Cart to cart gridlock. The inability to look at something on a low shelf without getting an ass stuck in your face. People fighting over an avacodo green hand mixer. Getting cut off in the parking lot as six cars race for the same parking space. It's important to save 30% when you have to pay to fix a $400 dent from a runaway shopping cart.

You can keep your two hour drives to bumblefuck, the mile long walks across freezing parking lots, and all those lame ass sales. I'll stay at home where puppies warm your feet, the fondue is delicious, and the boobs are plentiful.

Anyone Seen My Shrink Ray?

2005-11-21T04:11:00.000-06:00

Winter is coming, so it's time to get the garage cleaned up. Time to get all the summertime gear stored away. It's amazing the amounts out shit I can amass over the summer. Now all I have to do is find some place to put it all. Today I cleared a bunch of shit out of the rafters. Who ever lived here before us decided it would be a good idea to cram a dozen sixteen foot long pieces of wood siding up on the cross members. Not a real good idea. You can put some stuff up there but not a lot of heavy shit. The guy must have had around 300 pounds of lumber stuffed up there.

Getting rid of some of the wood gave me a chance to fire up my stove and check it out and make sure nothing weird happened over the summer. Like nesting birds. I caught one trying to nest in the top of the chimney late last spring. Not a good thing. Unless you like your sparrow eggs soft boiled. The paint on the stove hasn't really cured all the way, so it gives off a funky smell the first couple times I burn in it. I should be able to take care of that this winter though. I like to keep it warm in there, cause you never know when there will be the need for some emergency "garage hiney".

This is the first place that I've lived with a functional garage. A place where you can actually drive a car into it. My parents garage is always packed to gills with shit that they will never use and about fifty boxes of crushed soda cans is F-shaped trial that you have to walk in, which is annoying. Maybe some day I'll get my other truck out of there. I think some day is still quite a ways off.

The task of cleaning the garage is always a pain in the ass. First you have to move most of the shit out of the way. Toss all the crap you don't need figure out how your going to get all that shit back in there worst is when you get it all out and look in and see all this extra room, and then you turn around to see that your driveway is overflowing into the yard.

I think the biggest problem I have is all the large items I have. Stuff like five 33" mud tires, an engine hoist, a 3,000 pond pneumatic lift, an engine analyzer, an air compressor, a 12 ton shop press, 6' tall roll away tool chest, a lawnmower, a snow blower, and a 4' long workbench. Add to this one car and all the odds and ends on the shelves and that pretty much fills the two car garage. There is also the fact that I have to keep all of this at least 3 or 4 feet from the stove.

The tires I don't really need anymore, but I have yet to get rid of them. The little voice in my head keeps telling me that the rims cool and the tires still have some miles in them. The engine hoist...with the vehicles I drive you just never know when you will need that. That's another thing I forgot about. I have three more engines and two transmissions at other peoples garages. I think I need to come up with some storage solutions, buy a shed next summer, or have less shit to store. Yeah, something tells me that the latter will never happen. I'm like a squirrel hoarding away supplies for future use. Just if I could only remember where I put things next spring.

Stick Pictures on the Shithouse Wall

2005-11-19T03:22:00.000-06:00

I find public restrooms to be less than pleasant in general. Particularly restrooms that are used predominantly by men. I don't know if it's the piss on the floor or the lingering aroma of cabbage farts. Now I have found something else that continues the annoyance. Graffiti. Now it's not the fact that someone is drawing on the wall that bugs me, it's the content, or the lack there of. I remember when you could go into a restroom and read all sorts of limericks about a guy from Nantucket, odes to farting, and the names of who's givin' out a good time. But it appears that those days are over.

The most recent crapper ranting that I have seen leave much to be desired. For instance take this little gem. "They cover these walls to stop me from peeing but the shit house junkie done struck again." riveting, just riveting. Seriously, what is the point of that? The shit house junkie isn't going to let anyone stop him from pissing? Ooh, what a rebel. It's like they forgot a section, peeing -blank-blank-blank-but the... maybe they had a brain fart. Shit out their train of thought.

Here is one that I have seen repeated in different locations. "If you are reading this, your ass must be taking a shit." Really. That's just brilliant. Must be the keen observations of a true genius. Thanks for the memo. I was wondering why I was sitting on the toilet. Dumbass.

Even the artwork is lacking. The other day I saw an apparent conversation between two people. They were commenting about giving each others mother crabs. They even drew some little things that I guess were supposed to be crabs. Maybe if they were drawn by a two year old. The doodling looked like they had a near total lack of motor skills. Some sort of palsy fit maybe.

So much for learning any new rhymes I guess. It's bad when people have gotten so lazy and brain dead that they can't even come up with a bit of quality humor while dropping the kids of at the pool. It's a sad state of affairs I tell you. Just plain sad. Come on peolpe, how about a dirty hieroglyphic or two.

Tit Bit Nipply

2005-11-17T05:29:00.000-06:00

This is the proper way to enjoy the first day of below freezing weather.

1. Make sure it is at least 15 degrees outside
2. Put on a hooded sweat shirt and a heavy coat
3. Go outside after it's dark
4. Spend two hours repairing linkage on you truck.
5. Attempt to crawl out from said truck while your shirt comes untucked from your pants, and exposes your bare ass and back to the freezing ground.
6. For the finishing touch make sure to get a big glob of grease smudged across your face.

Man, winter sucks already.

MTV Get Off the Air

2005-11-13T14:17:00.000-06:00

While at work I have the option of listening to several local stations that broadcast more mainstream fodder and witless banter than I want to hear in a day. Brain numbing bullshit. The pop station is just annoying to no end. The 'rock' station has gone all emo/sissy, wanna be tough guy, but soft and sensitive.The soul station could put a meth-head to sleep. No one in the shop will listen to any radio talk shows for fear that it will make them think. So this leaves us with the classic rock station. Yeah, Don Henley, Sammy Hagar, and constant repeating loop of hair bands. Great, I can hardly contain my enthusiasm. They do however have a couple hours per night of "total listener requests". So, I call to make a request. A simple request. Motorhead, Ace of Spades. What could be hard about that. But much to my dismay I was denied. I said " You don't have Motorhead?". The deejay replied with "Yeah, we can't play that on the air." Now this is bullshit becuase I've heard other stations inthe area. A couple minutes later my boss calls in and requests Dokken. Sure thing, they got Dokken. Oh yeah, they will play that crap. To make it more irritating, they play it like three songs later. Assholes.

Man Tool

2005-11-13T03:34:00.000-06:00

As requested by Bucky Four Eyes, here is the story behind the bucket of "head shrinking sand".I have a decent collection of tools. Nothing too extravagant, but not bare bones by any means. I am very serious when it comes to my tools. I like to keep them clean and organized in their proper drawers. Nothing sucks more than when you can't find a tool you need. Now the downfall of owning lots of tools and enjoying working on cars is people find out about it. This always leads to the same questions."Can I borrow your tools?" and "Maybe you could work on my car sometime." Well there is a simple answer for both of these situations. Hell no! First off, the fact that someone bought a piece of shit car, without the ability to fix it, is not my problem. Second, it's always the same story when people borrow your stuff. Either they break it or they lose it. Last time I checked, Sears doesn't replace lost tools. So, it seems to me that the individual who lost the tool must not have any brains. So why not shrink their heads? It's not like they were using them anyway. No brain, no pain.

Soon to be Cootie Free

2005-11-07T03:23:00.000-06:00

I am currently recovering from a nasty sinus infection/cold type thing that forced me to miss two days of work. I hate missing work. I find it very annoying, like how when I stand up too fast now, I just about fall over. Like I'm getting light headed, except it hurts. I think being sick fucked with my equilibrium. Fortunately Jessica Rabbit always takes good care of me. Even when I'm a sick, cranky jackass. For that I am grateful. She is the best, and she is right about not going to work when you have a fever. Or, can't talk without coughing, no matter how stubborn I am.

I did, however, learn many things this weekend. For instance, you can have 150 channels and there still won't be shit on. I thought it was just because I work nights and miss all the good shit. Nope. Turns out it's pretty much just lame suck ass shows and reality t.v. all the time. I went to turn to Tales from the Crypt, and guess what? Fucking denied! It was actually some annoying celebrity, red carpet/post show interview with some brain damaged celeb spouting their two cents about shit that has no real importance. Another thing that is annoying is how some of the channels will air the same damn episode six times a day. There were a couple interesting shows on though. One was about different elements that explode when mixed with water. I think they were just trying to find an excuse to blow up bath tubs and caravans. Death Race 2000 was on, but the presence of Sylvester Stalone proved to be unbearable. I tried to watch that movie Kung Pow, I think I gave up after thirty seconds or so. I was going to watch Mars Attacks, then I realized that the only scenes I really wanted to see were the ones with Martians cooking people with death rays and squishing people with giant robots. You know, all the good parts. I was surprised by the lack of car/how to shows this weekend. Normally there will be one or two on, but once again, I was denied.

I have discovered that if you don't post in a while people start running amuck in your comments. Going on about grammar fetishes and leaving links to improvised butt plugs. Man, I tell ya, wander off and the perverts run rampant. I think it deserve a round of spankings. I have also found that I am now getting comment spam. These guys must be getting desperate if they are leaving this shit on my posts. You think they would want to stick to high traffic areas, and not link them self on sites made up or the ranting of a deranged hillbilly. Fuckin' tards.

I have also begun watching my neighbors lately. The old people don't bother me too much, so I don't pay too attention to them. It's dumb ass trailer park gang banger wanna be's that I despise. You gotta watch your shit around these morons. I've already caught a couple of them leaving beer bottles in my yard. Man, I hate cleaning up after these assholes. Imagine the horror if they some how dented my truck. They might just meet my bucket of head shrinking sand if they keep it up.
Damn, is it me or did it get all old and crochity in here all of a sudden. Ahh, fuck it, I gotta go find my rocking chair and some rock salt.

2005-10-17T04:31:00.000-05:00

This is my 'new' truck. It's an '87 Ranger with a 2.3L 4 banger and a 4 speed with overdrive. It gets about 20mpg, which is alot more than the mean green machine. Don't anyone worry, I didn't sell my monster truck. It's just time for it to go "down to the lab". I'll have more time to work on it if I don't have to drive it everyday. For the time being, the ranger is looking at a tune up, minor rust removal, and maybe a nice flat black paint job. For $995, I really can't complain the motor knocks a little, but everything else is solid.

Released from the Mothership

2005-10-15T03:15:00.000-05:00

In the event anyone still comes here, I have returned. It has been long couple of weeks at work and I have had very little time to get things done or do any updating here. I do however have alot of things to post about. Such as my 'new' truck, the abomination that is "Footloose", the permenant halloween decorations, spooking the neighborhood kids, and how Abba Dabba is gonna put the smackdown on some Canadians. All in due time, but for now I must eat and sleep after a long 60 hour week at work. I think I'll need my rest if I'm gonna keep up with the wee ones tomorrow. Something tells me they are gonna be rather excited.

Probing Perspective

2005-09-24T03:23:00.000-05:00

After reading the Tales from the Rabbit Hole, with all the aliens and innuendo of possible probing, my mind has started to wonder about some of these conspiracy theories. Especially the whole aliens among us / human-alien hybrids. Okay, if they are experimenting on people and trying to make a hybrid species, wouldn't it be logical to say that they might make a few 'mistakes' or end up with substandard results? My question is this, what are they doing with all these people? Are they just dumping them back into main stream society? It would kind of explain the influx of dumb asses around here. Droves of people wondering around with their brains made out of left over scraps or odds and ends from other experiments. Shit, if they are supposed to be so superior to us you think they would at least have a recycling progam. I got a couple extra bins if they need to borrow one or two, as long as they wash them out when they are done.

Here's something else to ponder. Have you ever seen some of the people that have apparently been abducted. It's always some brain dead idiot or some one that married their first cousin. Personally, I don't think that would make for good breeding stock. Why don't they pilfer some brain cells from Steven Hawking. I think that might be a little more fruitful than snatching gray matter out of a trailer park. Hell, maybe their just trying to make a five-assed monkey of their own.

Another thing I wonder about is the probing and the implants. I can understand the implants for tracking purposes and data collection, but seriously how much ass probing do they need? Are they trying to find a cure for colon cancer? Is it a hemmroidal investigation? Do they really want to know who had corn for dinner? Do they not have assholes of their own? Or maybe they just decided to become entrepreneurs in the butt plug market. Testing out the prototypes, getting feedback from their focus groups. Trying to find out where their key demographics are. Yeah, some how I doubt that is what's going on. I'm gonna have to agree with the Kids in the Hall on this one.

2005-09-24T01:26:00.000-05:00

This is the new remote control car JR got for me the other day. It's so kick ass. It will do wheelies when you accelerate it forward real fast.His tongue sticks out, his jaw drops and his eyes pop out of his head.Too top it all off it does this cackling laugh when you punch the gas.You can see the horror in the cats eyes when they hear it coming.I don't know what their problem is, daddy just whats to play.

New Toys

2005-09-14T05:38:00.000-05:00

Today I got myself a new impact gun since my old one took a shit and won't even break loose the lug nuts on my truck. So I bought a ChicagoPneumatic 1/2" drive impact wrench. 425ft.-lbs. of torque. I got it on sale too. Regular price $100. Sale price 20% off. Actual price when it got rang up $69.99. Now there's a bonus. I was dismayed though to later discover that a product that I specifically sought out because it was made in the U.S., is now made in Japan. That kinda annoyed me. You see, I actually try buy American made products. I actually read the packaging to see where it was made or "imported from". The only way I'll buy foriegn shit is if there is absolutely no other way. You would be fuckin' stunned to realize how much shit isn't made here. Next time you go shopping for household items or tools try to see how much of it you can get that's made in this country. I'm betting it won't even be 1/3 of your list. I went to buy some compact fluorescent bulbs to replace some of our existing bulbs. Even those were either Made in China or 'imported'. What the fuck?! I can't even get a light bulb made in this country? What the hell do we make here anymore aside from Budwieser, McDonalds, and crack. Oh yeah, psychotic actors and shady politicians. Hell, even american cars are going to shit with new models having 5 or 6 recalls before ever leaving the dealership. I can here people crying already. "But, but, american made goods are too expensive." No shit. Suck it up. What country do you work in? You never know, that extra couple of bucks might save someones job. Maybe yours. That's another thing, the price difference usually isn't that much. For every 20 dollars you save 75 cents or maybe a dollar. Ooh, the savings. Seriously, how greedy can people get? That's how we got into this boat in the first place. Peolpe got greedier, then lazier and fatter. Yeah, you fuckers know who are. I've only got one thing to say to you. Shut up, put down the six pack , show up to your job, and DO SOME FUCKING WORK! Oh, and have a nice day.

Or current resident

2005-09-03T04:45:00.000-05:00

Most of the mail that I get is shit like bills and junk mail from the local cash store. Every month I look forward to getting the new issue of Carcraft or 4-Wheel and Offroad, which I read almost immediately 5 or 6 times through. Fortunately, for me, to tide me over until new issues arrive there are the sale flyers from all the local hardware stores and tool depots. The usual places like Menard's, Sears, and Lowe's have weekly flyers, but we have another store here called Harbor Freight. It's kind of a discount hardware store. Alot of shit that was made in China, off-brand tools, and other odd items. It's the "odd items" that concern me the most. Take this for an example. They have a wrench set for six bucks and hammers for 3 bucks. Seems pretty normal. A reasonable price for average tools. Here's where things start getting weird. A 110 volt jackhammer for $400? Okay, next page. A wooden wagon wheel for $20. Hmm, for some reason I don't think there really is that big of a market for those anymore. Now here is where I grow concerned. On sale, forty percent off, an electric razor for six bucks. For some reason I don't think I would feel safe putting that against my face. I don't think I'd do it at full price, much less at 40% off. I can feel the razor burn and ingrown hairs just thinking about it. I will admit though, they do have great bargians alot of the time. Like 10- 100' rolls of electrical tape for 2 bucks. I bought three. 100 grease rags for 6 bucks. Yep, got two bags of those. Rolls of duct tape, and 10 packs of 3" cut off wheels for $2.50, oh my! It's almost too much to try and contain myself. Then 'it' came in the mail. A catalog from a magical place. Now when I say "catalog" we're talking at least an inch thick. It's something like 500 pages of glorious, shiny tools. The high quality name brand shit. Ooh yeah, the good stuff. It reminded me of the old McMaster-Carr catalogs that I used to get from the maintenence man at work. That's a serious book of tools and parts. About 5 pounds of serious. Thousands of pages. They got shit that I've never even could have imagined. It makes me grin just thinking about it.

Self Amusement

2005-08-26T23:02:00.000-05:00

The daily grind can be boring and cause the mind to wander.Wandering off to places far more interesting than the present point in time. Sometimes I find myself pondering new and interesting lines of work. Here are acouple of them.

Working in a kustom car shop. That one is pretty self- explanitory, considering my love of old cars and such.
Being a repoman-"Most people spend their lives avoiding tense situations. The repoman spends his life getting into tense sitiations."
Funny car driver. I'd take a front engine flopper over a rear engine dragster any day. It's a bit heavy on the cross country driving though. I prefer having a soft bed with warm hiney every night.
Grave digger. This would be cool in title alone. Last time I checked it still involves alot of shoveling. That and I prefer working at night,which might make for some odd inquiries from passers-by.
Lumberjack. How could you go wrong?Flannel, axes, and chain saws, just gotta watch out for the "lonely" lumberjacks.
Special effects technician. Three words. Blowing shit up.
Crime scene photographer. There is some fuckin' weird shit going on out there that alot of people never see or hear about.
Demolition worker. Good for pent up aggression.
Mad scientist. I don't think there are a whole lot of them left. That and how could anyone pass up the crazy twangin' white hair.
Junkyard owner. I see endless possibilities with this one. I think this one would work well with most of the other jobs. Then I could eventually have every car I've ever wanted, and have a legal place to keep them all without pissing off the local code officers. Hell, my own personal car crusher? Nearly endless supply off parts and donor cars? Oh yeah, I think I could handle that.

Take Out

2005-08-26T05:33:00.000-05:00

This is a prime example of how people obliderate my train of thought. The other day a hillbilly buddy of mine was helping work on some stuff. We had the radio on in the background, turned to some lame local station.Crappy rock and shitty commercials.Everything was normal until there was this ad for a local chinese restuarant.Now my buddy is pretty much deaf in one ear. Like 95decibels kind of deaf, but the other ear isn't as bad. So, I go to walk past him and he says to me"Did they just say fresh, hot chinese poon on the radio?" It stopped me dead in my tracks. I didn't have any answer for him, except for nearly shooting coffee out my nose. Makes you wonder what kind of tip you would have to give the delivery driver? Do you still get hungry 20 minutes later? Do the left overs still taste good the next day? It's stuff like this that leads to chronic brain farting.So if you ever see me wandering around chuckling to myself, now you know. You have been fore warned.

2005-08-19T21:11:00.000-05:00

Witness the voracity of the Weebs!

2005-08-19T21:03:00.000-05:00

This is a a new one for Weebs.Sour cream and Onion Pringles

2005-08-07T04:41:00.000-05:00

Miss Hermione has earned herself a nickname recently. I now refer to her as "short bus". You may be wondering how such an adorable puppy could get such a name. Well here's a hint. Tonight after we got back from the store, she grabbed an empty paper bag in her mouth and headed for the basement stairs. The whole time the bag keeps flopping over her eyes so she can't see where she's going. The puppy's got smarts. Add to that all the times I've caught her leaning against the front door, licking the glass, and there you have it.

2005-08-07T04:05:00.000-05:00

We've been having some problems with our tub draining slow lately.Turns out it is draining, but not where it's supposed to. Instead it's going right down the basement wall that divides the laundry room from the lower bathroom.Unfortunately the pipes are 50 years old and most of it will have to be replaced. An added pain is the tight quarters all these pipes are in. You can barely see some of them that are between the first floor.Looks like its time to design an extra deep "plumbing wall" or an access closet of some sort.The arrow shows the source of the leak. It's basically a 6" pipe that is used as a hair trap. If you have one of these in your house be fore warned, they're just a place for rust and corrosion to collect and fuck up your pipes. This looks like it will be fun. Thankfully I have a saws-all!

Dum Da Dum Dumb

2005-08-04T03:59:00.000-05:00

The events you are about to read are real. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

There is a guy I know that is nicknamed "Mr. Potatohead", for which there is good reason. Apparently he doesn't like it when bugs fly around and land on him. Fortunately, he has found a solution to this problem. He sprays his body with bug spray, which makes sense. So, I ask what kind of bug spray he's using. He hands me a can of Raid wasp and hornet spray! I say "So, you use this alot?" His reply "All summer long".It's like their slogan says "Kills bugs dead", and brain cells too! Seriously folks, you can't make up shit this retarded.

SPED's Up

2005-07-23T09:44:00.000-05:00

So according to Hermione, I've had enough sleep for today. I got woke up around 8:30 by a big stinky paw smacking me in the face as she tried to climb up onto the bed between JR and myself. She was doing a belly crawl that reminds me of a small drunken retarded child. Speaking of retarded, she is currently trying to get into the cat's litter box by licking through the backside of it. No puppy kisses today I guess. Now she's smacking her mouth like she got ahold of a bad taste. Hmm, litter box and bad taste? Who ever would imagine that the two would be connected. It reminds me of when Weebles licks between my toes. I guess there's not alot that could taste bad when you constantly lick your own ass.

2005-07-17T00:06:00.000-05:00

JR got me a new air freshener for my truck.Some of you may be wondering what a devil air freshener smells like. Well according to the package it "Smells like Hell!". So does that mean my truck is gonna smell like sulfur?

2005-07-16T23:48:00.000-05:00

This is the shirt she got me. If you don't get it, too bad. It kicks ass and has been bewildering people at the grocery store today. It's funny to see the confused looks some peoples faces make.

2005-07-16T23:41:00.000-05:00

This is the belt buckle she got for me.I really like Frankenstien's monster. At the bottom there are lightning bolts shoting off his neck bolts. This one even has a bottle openner on the back.

2005-07-16T23:37:00.000-05:00

This is the best one of all the presents. It's a number 13 ring, the one is a sparkplug, and the three is made from two pistons.It's a perfect fit too.

The collector in the packrat

2005-07-10T21:56:00.000-05:00

This is something I've wanted to do for a while , but I have not had much time to do. Among the hordes of odds and ends that I own, I have small collections of items. Below is the beginning of my car collection. These are most of them, but I know there are more floating around the house somewhere. Enjoy.

2005-07-10T21:55:00.000-05:00

This is a '66 GTO from Muscle Machines. Oversized blower and tires, what's not to love about it.

2005-07-10T21:52:00.000-05:00

These are two are from Muscle Machines. the green one came as a kit, while the black one came fully assembled. I've always loved the flat top roofs and straight pillars on old cars.

2005-07-10T21:47:00.000-05:00

What collection would be complete without the Cuda from Phantasm? Tall man and shiny spheres sold separately.

2005-07-10T18:19:00.000-05:00

This is The Car from the movie of the same name. An evil unmanned Lincoln powered by the flames of hell. How could you go wrong with that?

2005-07-10T18:14:00.000-05:00

This is my most recent addition. The Red Baron, I have always loved this car. I found it while looking for garden clippers at K-mart.

2005-07-10T18:12:00.000-05:00

At first I thought wouldn't it be cool if they made the Deathmobile from Animal House. A couple days later JR had found it for me. She is the best girlfriend ever.

2005-07-10T18:09:00.000-05:00

Here is a must have without a doubt. The Munsters Coach. I can't see how anyone could not love this car.

2005-07-10T18:08:00.000-05:00

...and finally we have Dragula. This is one of my favorites.

2005-07-10T16:59:00.000-05:00

Almost a year later, I have finally finished JR's coffin bookcase. It's about 6 feet tall and solid pine with an onyx stain. It's held together entirely with wooden dowel pins. No nails, no screws.

2005-07-09T02:15:00.000-05:00

Just for Bucky. Ask and you shall receive. You never said what kind of post.

How to Gross Out Your Coworkers

2005-06-21T03:07:00.000-05:00

So now I have a short story to gross people out. Today I found Miss Hermione chewing on a rock. So far, I have collected a coffee can full of rocks out of the flower beds in front of our house. Now I don't want her eating rocks and end up needing to go to the vet. So, being the concerned daddy that I am, I go to get the rock out of her mouth. I reach in get the rock and pull it out. I open up my hand and what do I see? Cat shit! She was having herself a little turd snack. She must have just scared the shit outta Tigger...Literally. Nothing nastier than getting cat shit on your hand. I wonder where she learns these things? Maybe she's been talking to Mows. So if anyone out there would like to use this story to gross out their coworkers, be my guest. Just remember to use proper timing. I have found that for maximum effectiveness, it works best to tell this story when people are about to eat. For a little something extra, sniff your fingers when you finish telling the story. A winning combination I guarantee. Aah, the fun you can have at the expense of others. It's almost limitless.

2005-06-15T13:15:00.000-05:00

This is Fred. Fred is 9 years old and on my foot. Which is probly why he faded so bad. I keep thinking about having him touched up too.

2005-06-15T13:13:00.000-05:00

This one I had done When I was 18 also, but at a shop in Wisconsin. There is actually an old branding that didn't take underneath it. I think that's why the hair ended up having little spots in it.

2005-06-15T13:09:00.000-05:00

I was 21 or 22 when I had this one done.I ended up having it done in two different sessions, outline then color.I think it took the guy something like 3 hours total to finish it. Yes, yes the one towards the bottom is a tatto of a roof truss.I had that done 8 years ago. A year after I got hired at my job.The people I work with are cotinually amased by it.Alot of them never really notice it. Then they see it and start asking questions.

2005-06-15T12:59:00.000-05:00

This is my first "professional" tattoo.I had it done in a local shop when I was 18.I knew a couple of the people that worked there at the time, which made for some nice discounts.You can see where it scabbed up real bad and pulled out the ink.I've been thinking about having it touched up.Maybe sharpen up the edges.

2005-06-15T12:53:00.000-05:00

This is another one of my tattoos.I think I was about 21 when I had this one done.You can still see some of the white in it, but the red is starting to fade out in the stripes.this one is actually a cover up of another tattoo I had done early.

2005-06-10T06:09:00.001-05:00

Daddy's little demon girl Hermione.

2005-06-10T06:09:00.000-05:00

Most recent tattoo, engine. This is Jessica posting for the Bobble, I am sure he will add more story to this himself when he gets time. Summer time is busy season at work, he is a building machine.

Damaged Goods

2005-06-03T04:41:00.000-05:00

So, I finally went to the doctor today to get my wrist checked out. Turns out I have a torn ligament. That might explain the sharp pains I get once in awhile. No fractures, carpal tunnel, or tennis elbow. The doctor says I should wear a brace for a few weeks so it can heal. Makes sense.

I had the pleasure of sitting and waiting for an hour before them came and got me. That was nice. There was some lady in her 40's yackin' on her cellphone about how bad her herpes were. That's right kids... herpes. She wasn't discreet about it or anything. Nope, loud as hell bitchin' about how she has chanckers on top of chanckers. Just think, one out of every five people has the herp. Eeeeww. It was amusing to watch people get up and sit on the other side of the room. You know now when you see someone with a cold sore, you're gonna start counting. One, two, three, four, herpes. One, two, three, four, herpes.

As for me, I get a slightly extended weekend, which is always a good thing. Maybe I'll actuall figure out more things to post about. Just as long as I can dodge the pinches and defend my tender spots.

100 Things About Me

2005-05-29T03:44:00.000-05:00

Since I do not post very often, do to a lack of what I deem to be interesting subject matter, Jessica Rabbit has suggested that I make a list of 100 things about myself. So sit back, relax, and prepare to be assaulted by that which is the Bobblehead.

I enjoy stinky things like skunks and egg farts, but I can't stand the smell of fat person b.o.
I rip ass all the time, I'm just really sneaky about it sometimes.
I have manners, just a different version.
I have never owned a vehicle built after I was born.
I have owned 4 cars and 2 trucks.
I still have 1 car and both trucks, only one of the 3 runs.
At one point I owned 5 vehicles, all of which didn't run.
Not having a functioning vehicle freaks me out.
I can rationalize owning a half dozen different vehicles.
I hate car dealerships and their mechanics.
I own automotive tools that were built in the 60's.
I have no brand name loyalty when it comes to cars and trucks, they all have their strengths and weaknesses.
I prefer IHRA over NASCAR. Actually, NASCAR just sucks.
I will never buy a Mustang or a Camaro. Ever.
I hate "tuners".
I define hillbilly and redneck as two entirely different things.
I am not a redneck.
I smoked for 10 years or so.
I quit over 2 years ago.
My hands have a mind of their own.
I love boobs.
I love hiney.
I cant control myself from squeezing JR's boobs and hiney. I have no shame about this, as it happens in public. Alot.
I too, am a pervert, and have had several 3-somes.
JR will fuck your girlfriend, and I'll help.
I am a "boner donor".
I suffer from " protien deficeincy", and a shortage of post-it notes.
I've done naughty things in dark rooms at parties while listening to people looking for me.
I will walk around in public with a big red kiss print on my forehead, then I'll stare at you like your fuckin' goofy.
I constantly have grease in my hair, actually it's Groom & Clean.
JR dyes my hair for me.
The guy I have cut my hair is almost 70. He has a lazy eye and he shaves the back of my neck with a straight razor.
I prefer the old two sided safety razors versus all these new multi-blade deals.
I have 10 tattoos and plan on getting alot more.
None of them are from flash off the wall.
I have a spider named Fred tattooed on my foot.
I have no piercing except for my ears, which at one point I gauged them out to 7/16ths of an inch.
I will never get my dick pierced. It's big enough already.
I have been intentionally burned with red hot steel.
It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would.
That was back when I had a big purple mohawk.
I horde things. All sorts of things, canned goods, car parts, you name it. I once had 4 milk crates filled entirely with ramen noodles.
Sometimes I am obsessed about organizing things.
I enjoy cleaning.
If I need something done, and I don't know how to do it, I'll learn how to do it.
I have been told I'm a workaholic.
I don't think thats a bad thing, I'm just motivated.
Speaking of being motivated... I love coffee or maybe it's just the caffine talking.
I never miss work or take "sick days" unless I'm really, really ill and JR holds me down and makes me stay home. She always takes good care of me.
I've worked at the same place for almost 10 years.
I don't like working overtime.
I would rather do something myself than pay someone else to do it for me.
I prefer quality over quantity. That goes for girls, tools, and many other things.
5 of our 12 cats are mine. Bobbles and Eleven are traitors.
I constantly threaten to eat the cats with a little teriyaki sauce. That's probly why some of them always smell like they peed on themselves.
I really like meat. Beef, turkey, chicken, fish, rabbit, no pork though. Pork is just fuckin' nasty. Anyway, isn't human the other white meat?
I love to use my grill. It makes me really happy.
I prefer charcoal over gas any day.
Most of my clothes consist of jeans, t-shirts, and work uniforms.
I have something like 72 pairs of socks. All the same kind.
I love the feeling of a brand new pair of socks.
I have 100's of car magazines and their all organized in binders.
I enjoy welding.
I would love to have a custom car shop. Like a personal paradise. With no morons.
I have a small collection of belt buckles. 6 so far.
I have a guitar and a bass, neither of which I am very good at.
I used to ride a skateboard in a red plaid skirt with no drawers on.
I enjoy shitty B-movies. I find the low-buck effects more interesting, and seriously who can pass on cheesy story lines and shitty plots?
Disney movies annoy me.
I don't practice any form of religion.
I don't like christmas.
I hate junkies, crackheads, alcoholics, and "born agains".
I love the Munsters and all sorts of old horror movies.
I collect various sizes of die cast and model cars, and I play with them all.
I have never flown in a airplane.
I've never been outside the U.S., except for Canada, which I don't really count as a foreign country.
I carry a machete in my truck, cause you never know when you'll run across a pack of zombies. What? It could happen.
I often can not stop from taunting JR with "Watcha gonna do about it?", then find out that the answer is indeed pinches.
She offered to stop the pinches all together, but I declined because I would miss them.
I have no desire to have children. We have a catch and release program.
I have no interest in main stream society, what's fashionable, or what's trendy.
I don't like Elvis, nor do I look like him.
I find Elvis impersonators amusing.
It's taken me 2 days to go this far on this list.
I type really slow.
I'm not very computer friendly.
I hate my neighbors.
I would like to live on the outskirts of a town kind of in the country.
I don't what to get ass-probed.
Yes, I believe in aliens. They're perverts too.
I like to experiment and see what the cats will eat. Wobbles likes the lime popsicles, and Weebles likes toes.
I have driven over the longest bridge in the world. It's only 2 lanes wide.
I like drawing and designing things.
I am Principal Nick. Watch out for spin the bottle.
I once made out with 5 girls at the same time. Two of them were sisters.
I grew up in Wisconsin, as did JR.
JR and I have the same age difference as my parents.
JR got me addicted to sushi.
It wasn't me, it was the one armed man.
I have the best girlfriend in the world.

So there it is. A hundred things about me. The bad thing is I actually forgot about some of this and JR reminded me. It's the effects of the protien defiency.

Vermin

2005-05-26T06:09:00.000-05:00

If our cats were transformers...they'd be retardicons.

Pre-summer Ramblings

2005-05-23T02:18:00.000-05:00

I'm glad that it's finally starting to stay nice outside. I got to use my grill on Saturday. I love the smell of meat cooking over open flames. No gas grills either. Nope, gotta go with the charcoal. Maybe a little hickory chips sometimes. I think using gas takes all the fun and skill out of grilling. I mean what's the point if you can set your grill to exactly 375 degrees? If you're gonna do that you might as well go and stand in front of your stove, or maybe just microwave something. It's relaxing for me, I just get to sit back and listen to the meat sizzle. Hanging out in the back yard, sitting in the sun, not being at work.

I like it where the weather starts getting nice. Everyone in town starts bringing their cars out of hiding. Some of them really kickass, some look like they've had there asses kicked, and every once in awhile you see something unique. Something outta the norm. Something that isn't a late 60's camaro with a small block chevy or mustang with a 5.0 liter. Today I saw and nice lookin' Willy's sitting in a parking lot on the way home from the movies. A couple minutes later I saw a mid 80's s-10 done up all pro-street. No hood, big-as-shit supercharger sticking up in front of the windsheild, and a pair of the biggest tires I've seen in awhile tucked under the ass end. These tires had to be at least 18 or 20 inches wide. It looked kinda rednecky , but mean at the same time. A few years ago I had the fortune of running into a guy with a Henry J. It was cool, I had never actually seen one in person before. Very impressive. I've even seen a couple of old hotrods this year. One was driven by a guy who had to be in his 70's. Nothing real fancy or shiny, but a more bare-bones approach.

Seeing all this makes me wish I had my other truck here to work on from time to time. Something that isn't my current means of transport for work. It's hard as hell to work on something where it has to be operational in the next 24 hours. Kinda takes all the fun out of it. Too much added pressure and stress. I got enough stress at work. I like to take my time and do shit right. Instead of getting rushed and making simple mistakes that cause bigger problems and bigger headaches later on. If you need instant gradification that bad, maybe it's time to mow the lawn or do some dishes. All I need to do now is figure out how to squeeze 26 or 28 hours into a day.No more 24 hours days. That would give me enough time to get a few extra things done. That would make things alot simpler. Well, for me at least, everybody else would just have to deal with it. It wouldn't be that bad, it would be like when they set the clocks ahead and we get screwed out of an hours sleep. And tell me, how kick ass would it be to have a clock with a big number 13 on the top. Damn, this is some good shit. I'll have to remember this when I run for president. President of the World!

We're Baaack!

2005-05-17T04:52:00.000-05:00

So, now we are back from our weekend adventure. The drive up wasn't too bad 'cept for getting lost thanks to those high-ass fuckheads over at Map Quest. Seriously, if omitting an exit will send your ass to the other side of the state, maybe they should have made some mention of it. The traffic wasn't to bad though. The quarry we had to go past was a different story. You get to drive pretty close to the edge of the quarry. Close enough to almost see the bottom, which scared the shit outta JR. Stuff like that really doesn't bother me. I kind of find it interesting and enjoyable to look at.

I got to drive a newer Chevy Tahoe for this trip, since JR's car decided to go on strike a couple days before we left. I don't really have any interest in new vehicles, but this one wasn't to bad. It got good gas milage, which was okay with me. There was this sticker on the back of it though that was almost unbarable. It said "I heart My Pomerainian". Now how manly is that? Yea, I like little dogs too... I like them for footballs or with teriyaki on'em. It even had this sissy little silohuette of one of the dogs on it. At least there weren't any gawdy seat covers or anything else of the sort.

It was pretty late by the time we made it up there. So we didn't get to do much except go to the motel and make ourselves comfortable. JR made herself really comfortable in the jacuzzi tub with a little bubble bath action. The room was pretty big with a big ass king sized bed. Perfect for disturbing the old people in the room next to us. There was even a fake fireplace/heater in the corner, which looked really cool with the lights turned out. Aahh, spankin' hiney by the light of the artificial fire. Sounds like a good place to start the weekend, but this is all for now considering the sun is starting to rise. There will be more hot action to talk about later on.

2005-05-17T04:51:00.000-05:00

One of many souviners we brought back from our trip.That and many treasurable mammaries. Oops... I mean memories.

Odds & Ends of the Week

2005-05-12T04:34:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I've lasted posted, so I suppose it's about time. Not alot of interesting things going on except for our upcoming trip, which will be fun. Meeting new people is always good. Well, unless they're brain-dead temps at my job. This trip should be nice and relaxing though.
This week has definitely has had it's moments. Saturday JR's car broke down.May be something simple, may be something serious. Once I get to scan it I'll have a better idea of whats up. I'm not real fond of "computer controlled" anything, but it does make trouble shootin' these new cars alot easier. At the same time it kinda takes the "fun" out of it. Well, actually it just gets replaced with a different kind of fun. Fun like :"Jesus Christ! How the fuck is yer hand supposed to fit in there!",and don't forget "Shit, How'em I gonna get my hand outta this?" I wouldn't give up working on cars though, it feels good to do something yourself.
Mothers Day was good. We got our favorite burgers from a local restuarant. Nice and charred over hickery coals. My mom loved the hair combs that JR found for her. The one set has cameos on them and the other set has purple/ lavender jewels.
Monday and Tuesday was pretty much just the same shit different day routine. Today was more entertaining though. You see, when I say the people I work with are retarded, I'm not joking. One of the "special" ones decided today that it was up to him to say what MY job is, and what MY responsibilities are. I found this very amusing, since this guy is the fattest, laziest piece of shit I've had to work with in awhile. Let me describe the ranking order of my job if we were on Star Trek( original series, not that deep space/voyager shit). My boss would be Capt. Kirk, I would be Spock, the maintenance man/most kick ass hillbilly I know would be Scotty, and this other lazy p.o.s. guy would be the nameless, no-badge havin' loser who has to clean up all the Tribble shit. So I of course did the most logical thing and came up with several snappy insults to amuse myself. Example: He says it's not his job to be a material handler/drive around and move lumber with a forklift. My response : So what does that make him? A 300 pound paper weight to keep the forklift from blowing away. Seriously, I've never understood the problem of going to work and doing your job. Shit, you gotta do something to kill the time. Either that or practice lookin' busy. I already got a masters degree in educated guessing.
The finishing touch for the day was the free chips that were left for the workers. Mmm, nice salty chips. Everyone loves chips. Until they turn over the bag and realize that the chips were made with Olestra! Oh yeah, anal leakage! Let's do the math here. 26 workers + 2 restrooms = a whole lot of "dancing".
Well that's all I got for now. Now it's off to feed extras to the tar monster.

Turd in a Punchbowl

2005-05-06T21:25:00.000-05:00

Apparently I've been tagged by this "Turd in a Punchbowl"phenomenom. So, here is my shot at it.

Turd in a punchbowl
The water's like glass
Turd in a punchbowl
It's really cold when it
splashes my ass

Turd in a punchbowl
Oh god, what's that smell
Turd in a punchbowl
My nose burns like hell

Turd in a punchbowl
It's giving me fits
Turd in a punchbowl
Damn antibiotics gave me the shits

Turd in a punchbowl
I thought it was gas
Turd in a punchbowl
Now I'm blowin' fire outta my ass!

Yeah, go ahead and challenge me to write poems about asses, fartin', and poo. I've got a lot of material on this subject matter. Most of my day at work is spent indescimanantly farting on unsuspecting people. You could probly call it a drive by farting. My aim is deadly.

2005-05-04T13:40:00.000-05:00

Woo Hoo!

2005-05-03T03:28:00.000-05:00

JR said there was a surprize for me when I got home. I had no idea what it could be. I sure wasn't expecting to have a fancy new template for my log. This just really kicks ass! I have to say thanks to Kristine for the fantastic job. JR always has the best suprizes for me. She just rocks so much! The lettering on the header rocks. Makes me think of the music from the movie "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly". Man, this is so cool. No more boring asswood for me. I love the background of the header too. I think those were the two best belt buckles to use. It puts out just the right vibe for me. Makes it seem so warm and inviting, for some trouble that is. Gee, I wonder where I could find some of that?

2005-04-30T10:30:00.000-05:00

I thought we were in the clear. A year and a half in our new home and all is well. 10:15 this morning I heard a knock at the front door. At first I try to ignore it and go back to sleep. There's another knock. The sound of people knock on my door while I'm sleeping fuckin' annoys the hell outta me. So I get up to answer the door. I peer though the tiny gap in the tint on the front door. I see two guys in black suits, walking down the sfront walk. I figure I'd see what they wanted. Maybe it was something important. We've had the sheriff's department come by looking for people before, maybe I could re-inform them that no this person does not live here. That way they can send over a patrol car two days later to ask me the same thing. So I open the door. I should have known when I saw the two canes attached to his wrists. It didn't hit me until he turned, and I saw the black book in his other hand. Ah shit! It's the Witnesses! I bet it was that garden gnome looking fucker from work. I bet he called them and asked them to come and see his friend, real early in the morning. Fortunately, I have a secret weapon. I look like hell when I wake up. Hair twangin' all over, sleep lines on my face,unable to focus one eye, or even open the other one completely. There I stand just got the pants on, no shirt on, tattoos all over. Yeah, I really look like I want to convert and leave behind my wayward ways. Yeah right, thats gonna happen! The guy looked kinda uncomfortable when he was talking. He asked me if he woke me. No shit dumbass! No, actually I look Like this all the time! He then proceeded to tell me who he was and what he was doing. Yeah. I'm sure I looked real interested. He then said he would come by at some later time. Some later time when I'm more awake . Yeah, I'll be more awake alright. Awake enough to not open the door! I'm kind of curious as to what it is that tells people that it's a good idea to door to door trying to sell the idea of their faith and their god. It could have been worse I guess. It could have been Prince at my door! The artist currently known as nuts!

2005-04-29T05:17:00.000-05:00

JR brought the "T", so I'll bring the"A".Anyone got walnuts?

2005-04-29T03:20:00.000-05:00

Your site has been BOOBED. This is a drive by boobin, remain calm. They wont hurt you if they get what they want. TO POKE YOU IN THE EYE.

2005-04-27T14:01:00.000-05:00

The man in black.Now this is some seriously rockin' hair!

2005-04-27T04:56:00.000-05:00

One of my many belt buckles that JR has gotten for me.

2005-04-25T13:07:00.000-05:00

This is what my truck would have looked like new from the factory.It's a long way from that,considering I haven't really worked on it in over a year and a half.