Friday, November 25, 2005
Happy Holidays
Four days off work and the first two are fucking freezing. At least I didn't have to deal with my mom and my sister arguing over Thanksgiving dinner. That's always the annoying part about the holidays. Crabby relatives, turkey with a little rot gut surprise, families that expect you to be in two places at once, and the ever so enjoyable X-mas shopper traffic. I've always been annoyed with the whole "You gotta come to our dinner " schitck. Ooh, you can't forget about the impending guilt trip that they will try to lay on when you don't show. What the hell is that about? It's like a battle to see who can give their family food poisoning first.The sport of...gastro-intestinal carnage.
Little Jimmy is heading for the deviled eggs. You know Bob,those eggs were painstaking made yesterday, then left in the car window for the two hour drive! Oh wait, grandpa is losing the belt. Looks like he's heading for the bathroom...but wait, what's this?! Little Janie cuts gramps off at the corner with a bad case of pink turkey diarrhea. An amazing turn of events, I never saw that coming. Let's hope the wallpaper survives this battle. Uncle Fred is on his third piece of strawberry cheesecake with an relish tray olive chaser and he seems to be getting a little green around the gills. Will he beat little Jimmy to the porcelain god? Stay tuned for the latest coverage.
Let's not forget all those day after Thanksgiving shoppers. Awake by three in the morning, at the stores by four. Waiting for the doors that open at five. It's an invasion of cheap people. A feeding frenzy of K-mart shoppers. Seriously, how sick is that? Is it really that important to save five dollars on that ugly ass men's cable knit sweater? In lavender? Is there some kind of joy derived from being packed like sardines in a store with people still spewing flatulence from yesterdays feast? Cart to cart gridlock. The inability to look at something on a low shelf without getting an ass stuck in your face. People fighting over an avacodo green hand mixer. Getting cut off in the parking lot as six cars race for the same parking space. It's important to save 30% when you have to pay to fix a $400 dent from a runaway shopping cart.
You can keep your two hour drives to bumblefuck, the mile long walks across freezing parking lots, and all those lame ass sales. I'll stay at home where puppies warm your feet, the fondue is delicious, and the boobs are plentiful.
greasemonkey1320 at 1:57 PM
2 People who found a peppercorn
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at 4:09 AM
Katy Barzedor said... After reading this post, all I can think is "Diarrhea, cha cha cha..."
So...did the fondue and boobs ever collide? 'Cause that's a real holiday there.-
at 2:23 AM
Zombie_Flyboy said...
I hate crowds.