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Saturday, June 03, 2006

Is It Like This Everywhere?

This last weekend I actually had three days off. Three days in a row thanks to the holiday. I thought this would be a opportune time to work on the brakes on my truck, which had started abruptly steering itself towards the curb when ever I let go of the tiller. Not good. While I was working on the brakes, I figured I might as well do the exhaust too. Good thing I still had all those mufflers and pipes over in my parents garage.

So, off I go to my parents to get the necessary parts. I get there and no one is home and I don't have my set of keys. Shit. I don't want to drive all the way back home to get the keys, so I call my brother, who just happens to be across the street, and he lets me in. I head out back to the garage and acquire my supplies and make my way to the car parked in front of the house. As I come to the front edge of the house I hear yelling coming from the people next door.

I turn to see what is going on. As my head turns, I see something that looks like the front end of a Buick, but is cratered like the moon. At this moment I realize that it is the 300 pound lady next door in a bathing suit. I quickly try to avert my eyes so that I won't go blind, only to see her beer bellied husband making his way towards their house...naked. As a jay bird. For the whole world to see. In plain sight of the entire neighborhood. I reel back in horror and make a hasty retreat to the safety of my car. In the background I can hear her screaming "God dammit! Don't you go in that house!" Seconds later I hear a screen door slam and little kids start screaming. The door slam again and he's back outside, still naked, still fighting with his wife. I got the hell out of there before the crew from COPS shows up.

Shit like that makes me wonder about the purpose of the human race. It makes me think that everyone I see out in public smokes crack. It's just one more thing that tells me that I'm right, and that 99.99% of the population is totally fucked.

Totally fucked. Like yesterday when I went to used the restroom at work. I work with a shop full of guys, so there is a varying degree of a lack of personal hygiene. I have the same grease in my hair for the week and some guys don't shower for two weeks. But what I discovered, would probly disgust even the smelliest of hillbillies. Upon entering the restroom facilities, I noticed a pile of black fabric laying in the floor next to the garbage can. Oh what the hell. That better not be what the fuck I thing that is. Damn it, it is. Some nasty son of a bitch shit his drawers, took them off and tossed them onto the floor. Absolutely fucking disgusting. What the fuck is wrong with people?

I feel like I'm surrounded by retards. What, did they think that this was okay? That the cleaning people should have to deal with this bullshit. I'm sure that cleaning offices isn't glamorous, but there is no reason they have to deal with this. So I do the noble thing, got a bucket of sawdust and a shovel, and scooped up the mess. Children. I'm dealing with a bunch of children. And to think that human beings are the dominant species on this planet. So civilized and intelligent. Right. At least cats will cover their shit up.

So, if you ever see me walking by, shooting the stink eye, you will now know why it is the public I despise.

greasemonkey1320 at 2:33 AM

13 People who tried the chili

13 People who found a peppercorn

at 12:30 PM Blogger Katy Barzedor said...

OK, just when I thought ugly naked yard guy was the worst story of the week, you come up with shit drawers on the floor.

What, poopy pants couldn't have gotten them INTO the trash can? Were they so heavy with shit that he just couldn't drag them that extra inch so no one else had to handle them? EWWWWWWWWW!

And you ARE surrounded by retards. It's just that the ones at home won't throw our poop on the floor.

 
at 3:05 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, I think the best statement is that they were NEXT to the garbage can.
Though, naked guy with 300 pound wife...in a bikini...seems to me that if you go out in public like that, the fashion police, as well as those just doing the community a service, are allowed to shoot to kill. That's totally justified homicide.

 
at 1:13 AM Blogger I'm not here. said...

*will comment as soon as the dryheaving subsides*

 
at 3:51 PM Blogger Opera Gal said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
at 3:52 PM Blogger Opera Gal said...

ok, i have worked in Fortune 500 corporate offices where people leave #2 ON the seat, not in the bowl.
They can look clean, smell clean, and wear designer clothes, but they are still trailer trash.

 
at 5:48 PM Blogger Squirl said...

Blessed are the poop cleaners for theirs is the kingdom of heaven, or some such rot. That's pretty good of you. Some people never grow up and get a sense of responsibility.

But the naked guy and almost naked wife, well, that's just about as disgusting. Except that you didn't have to go after either of them with a shovel.

 
at 8:20 PM Blogger greasemonkey1320 said...

I guess it could have been worse. We have a guy at the shop who has a colostomy bag. A few years ago it ruptured while he was working on one of the set ups. That one required a whole lot more sawdust.

 
at 8:30 PM Blogger I'm not here. said...

I feel bad for the kids in that house!
Geez...

 
at 5:40 AM Blogger Schmootzie said...

People are fucking assholes. A guy at the institute where I work ventures all the way to my building to use our toilet for some reason.

One time he clogged the crapper and left it. Not only do I now lose a place to download myself, but the cleaning crew has to clean it up.

I dislodged the pipe clot and returned things to normal, but it fucking stunk and I was pissed off.

Next time I saw him I told him to "Clean up after yourself... and cut back on the corn".

 
at 2:49 PM Anonymous Anonymous said...

I say glitter the fuck out of that bathroom! The seats, the urinals...everything!

 
at 4:32 PM Blogger Lori Denine and her cat said...

and their (the cop's actors') little dog too.

 
at 5:39 AM Blogger greasemonkey1320 said...

It just got worse today. Someone had explosive diarrhea... all over the toilet. Real fuckin' nice.

You know, I find it kind of weird the the most comments I get in a long time are on a post about shitty drawers. Why is that?pgcnmz

 
at 8:02 PM Blogger Unknown said...

because poop is fun.

I used to live in a frat house (yes frat house, it was coed) and some guy put his "soiled" toilet paper in the garbage. There was a long talk at the frat (yes frat) meeting about if you put your paper in the trash to put it "Shit Side Down".

 

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